Koi Hil Gaya…An Extra-Terrestrial Love Story...

(Warning: Someone would say that story of an alien is a fantasy of a 16-yr old boy…And Yes…I agree…But having an affair with an alien is an adult concept…Read this post only if you are above 18 years)

It was my 32^nd birthday…Instead of celebrating it with my friends…I went into hiding at home and mourning for my fate…Reason was…at this age, I was still unmarried...Everyone who I had met, used to ask about my marriage and pour acid on my wounds…Thank God! My mom had not watched the movie: Fashion and fortunately I was not into fashion industry…So my mom still had some hope… Thinking about this issue with a sour face, I planned to end my life with a knife, which had been used to cut my birthday cake over the years…And suddenly a miracle took place…A spacecraft landed in my balcony and an alien-like creature stepped out…Before I could believe my eyes (rather specs) and say something…that creature started talking…

It: Hi Belekar…I have come from Mars planet…My name is ‘Zaadu’! - sister of Jaadu…who was a supporting actor in Koi Mil Gaya…

As she was introducing herself, I was really confused whether she was really a female or not…even though she had called herself sister of Jaadu...Do aliens have males and females?...Or some extra types also?...I also knew that Men are from Mars..So how can it be a woman from Mars?...But as that creature was talking endlessly, I could guess it was a female and it was true that I didn’t know about anatomy of aliens…Hence I had no other option to cross-verify the fact…So..I had to believe that it was She…

Me: Why are you here?

Zaadu: I want to marry you…

Me: But why me?

Zaadu: Marriage has been a problem for me also…Actually I am so ugly (who says aliens look pretty?) that no male on Mars is interested in me…And I am a Maanglik also...(even though she was from Mars!) So people (aliens) are scared to marry me…as it would create lots of troubles in their life…As there was no possibility of marriage, I prayed to God and he answered…"There is one 32-yr old boy on earth…His name is Yogesh Belekar…He is the only one whom u can marry..(i.e cheat easily)…He matches your ugly look and your maanglik status would not affect his life…because it has already become a mess…and can’t be worse than this"…That’s why I came to propose you… By the way…Why didn’t you get married? Was there no girl in your life?

Me: Actually I have had many girls who are my friends…who consider me as their best friend…But no one was interested in me…and they kept saying…”Yogesh…you deserve someone better!”…But they refused to consider themselves ‘better’ girls and thought they deserved the ‘best’!...So I continued with my responsibility of being ‘best friend’ and suffered from not being adventurous, outgoing, CFO/CEO, inheritably rich or blessed with luxurious/comfortable lifestyle…In fact, one girl rejected me because I do less shopping than she does!

Zaadu: Anyways…these petty reasons don’t matter to me...I am ready to marry you!!

Ohhh God…Once I had jokingly said that no girl on ‘earth’ would ever understand me!!...I wasn’t fool to convert this last opportunity into lost opportunity…I immediately said Yes to her and planned for registered marriage…Because I knew that everyone from my friend-circle had got married..They would come along with their life-partners and children…And this would increase the cost of marriage!! But then I thought…Anyways this aliens don’t know about legalities of marriage…Why should I spend my money to complete the formalities?...I chucked this plan also…I settled for live-in-alliance with aliens!

I was really thrilled to experience married (?) life for the 1^st time…I had never imagined that my day would start with ET (Economic Times) and my night would start with ET (Extra-Terrestrial) wife…People do have extra-marital affairs and I was having extra-terrestrial affair…!! I was so happy with my marriage that I used to wander on the streets, waving my hands horizontally and singing ‘Koi Mil gaya’ song like Hrithik did…(Unfortunately I had to stop this dance one day, when I heard one kid saying “ Arey es paagal ko patthar maro!!”)

Problem with this ‘marriage’ was: I couldn’t take her out of home, worrying about peoples reactions…And I couldn’t pack her into a jute bag (as Jaadu was transported in the movie) as there was every possibility of police force checking my bag – thinking of me as a terrorist…I thought of buying a burkha for her…But I didn’t like imagining what people would say about me : “Was he so desperate for marriage?” (which was true)…So I converted this problem into cost-saving opportunity…Being confined to home, she couldn’t ask for shopping, outing, movies…I could save a lot on account of this..The only problem remaining was that she couldn’t cook food…But expenses on buying food from outside were compensated by her incompatibility with human food…She used to take some pills…

On one evening, I returned from office…She was smiling and blushing…I asked for the reason…She was feeling shy to tell me…When I persisted, she told me the Good news (I mean…Breaking news)

Here is the conversation:

Zaadu: I am pregnant!

Me: What? How can it be possible? I haven’t done anything to you…In fact, I couldn’t figure out how to do it!!

Zaadu: Still it happened!

Me: But you were on pills…right?

Zaadu: You idiot…those pills are vitamin pills…I survive by consuming them…

Me: I am still clueless how did it happen…

Zaadu: Sab ‘upar’waale ki meherbaani hai…

Me: Ohh..so it happened because of Mr. Sharma who stays on upper floor….

Zaadu: You are doubting on my character?? Shak shak Shak…What the ****!! (When did she watch Golmaal returns?)

And she started throwing various things at me…whatever she could grab by her hands…Obviously the first thing to hit my head was ‘belan’…she had become perfect Indian wife!!

(Now you would ask me how can she converse in Hindi and English??...Even though she was an alien..I would take creative liberty here…Remember…how foreign characters in bollywood movies speak Hindi…)

I escaped this dangerous situation and managed to stay alive luckily…But another problem emerged…Her relatives started visiting our home frequently – with their spacecrafts…My neighbours became suspicious about me…they thought I have got some magical powers and stopped talking to me…In addition to this, my saala Jaadu and my wife were pursuing me to come to their planet and stay there for lifetime…They were sure that I would enjoy it and insisted that Mars planet needed a finance professional like me..I told them…"I might be knowing about International finance…but I dont know anything about Inter-planetary finance"…But they refused to budge from their stand…My wife was threatening me of divorce…and constantly reminding me that no one else would marry me as she did…

Irritated with threats, I conceived a jabardast plan to get rid of them…I agreed to their demand, but with one condition…they had to match my dance steps…They said yes to it…considering it rubbish…When I started with my wild dance..and they tried to match those steps…They ended up having all of their limbs broken in pieces…Scared with my dance and caring for their lives…they fled from planet earth…I believe they would have reached their planet safely !!

Disclaimer:

1) This post doesn't say that I am desparate for marriage...It is just an imagination...

2) I don't have any 'such' intentions towards my best friends (who are girls)...So no need to panick..They are safe...

Ek Chhoti-si Crush Story...

(Warning: For a change, this post is not the result of my wacky imagination...It is based on true rumours and facts...)

Bahot saal pehle...When I was in 8th Standard, I joined one coaching class for the first time in my life… Being a student from Boys’ High-school, I was always deprived of opportunities to have a look at girls during the lecture…I utilized this chance to enjoy co-education so well, that I got spectacles during the same year…

Within a month, I found out that a girl was staring at me constantly…And I wasted no time in reciprocating her initiative…As my eyes refused to blink while looking at her, my heart used to beat at a faster rate…Yes…We were a perfect mismatch for each other…She was so beautiful and also pathetic at studies…(that’s why this is called ‘crush’…where you pledge your brain without any consideration…and you don’t give a damn about compatibility)…My friends had a firm opinion that…Either she might have had bad eyesight…or She was suffering from insanity…I didn’t care about this and continued to enjoy this game of staring without blinking…

That was the age to do some stupid things…On the dangerous day of Raksha-bandhan, I remained absent in class…as I wasn’t sure of Kidaas that her or my friends would resort to…During Navaratra days, my friend told me that she comes to play Daandiya - everyday in the next galli…To have just one zalak of her playing Daandiya…That night, I fought with my parents...later I literally begged…to allow me to go there…As Jamaana is always Jaalim since old bollywood days…my parents stood like a deewar between me and their would-be Bahu…

After the lecture, I used to stand outside the class…And she used to stand there with her friends…I never moved from there, until she left for her home…I gave such type of ‘standing’ ovation everyday, hoping to have good ‘standing’ in her mind…
Once my friend asked one of her friends…what was on her mind about me…And instead of helping me out, her friend advised me to ask her directly…Being a perennial-fattu, I never took the initiative…and these Aankhon ki gustakhiyaa never blossomed into a complete script…
Next year, she didn’t join the same class…And I was waiting for her…hoping for her late admission…She didn’t turn up…Either she must have got bored of staring at each other….or she might have got a new spectacle…'New-Clear vision'…

Kuchh Saal Baad…I saw her many times within a short period of time…on her scooty, each time with different guy…Initially I thought…She might have given just a ‘Lift’ to those guys...But this optimistic thought failed to 'lift' my morale up…And my search is still on...
Bhagwaan…Ab to muze ‘lift’ karaa de!!

Mythological IPL....Indra Prastha League…

(Warning: Read this post only if you are good at Indian Mythology...)

This time God was fed up with life in heaven…He wanted to bring some entertainment, but had no idea how to do it...He searched for a right person to come up with innovative ideas…As he referred to records of each citizen in heaven, he came across my profile…I had submitted a fake certificate…which showed that I had participated in college festivals as a volunteer…He thought that I had enough experience in Event Management and called me upon to discuss the matter…And impressed with my idea, he again committed a mistake of making me in-charge of the event…

I launched an event called IPL - Indra Prastha League…between 2 teams viz; Mytho-Heroes and Dare-Devils…I completed the formalities of auctions, contracts, broadcasting rights, etc etc…To make the environment in the stadium lively and cheerful…I employed a DJ there and asked him to belt-out peppy Hindi songs only…(Because I could never understand lyrics of English songs in my life…except one English song: Brazil)...I Deployed Menaka-Urvashi-Rambha-and-other-Apsaras as Cheer-leaders…(I am better at finding alternative uses of scarce resources)…Served Amrut in the pavilion (just like Vijay Kaallya served beer in the Banglore stadium)…

And history repeated itself through this IPL match...

Mytho-Heroes won the toss and elected to bat first…

Bheema used Gada for batting and hit sixes only… Some bowlers of Dare-devils used bows-n-arrows to send cricket-ball at higher speed towards the batsmen…Dushasan was asked to do fielding on boundary-line…but he was often seen to be busy in fiddling with clothes of cheer-leaders…He was repeating Vastraa-harana episode there…Unfortunately cheer-leaders didn’t have miles of saree material to cover them up…They just kicked him hard and he had to declare himself ‘retired hurt’…Abhimanyu again couldn’t clear the Chakrya-vyuha of close-in fielders and didn’t trouble scorers much...Laxman got injured and God Hanuman brought medicines for him from Neelgiri mountain...Raavan wanted to tease him and repeat the Monkey-gate scandal...But he still had not forgotten 'Lanka-on-fire' episode...

When Dare-devils turned up for batting…Bhima came to bowl; his beamer landed on Duryodhana’s thighs and drew blood out of it…(In the past, Bhima had vowed to do this act…to take revenge of Draupadi’s insult)...Raavan arrived on the crease with his 10 heads…Sponsor ran out of money after providing 10 helmets to him…And he could virtually monitor movements of a bowler and other 9 fielders (excluding wicket-keeper)…He remained not-out in the match… Jaydrath didn’t come out for batting…as he was scared of flood-lights…He thought Krishna would switch off the lights and would kill him… (In the past, Krishna had killed him by creating artificial darkness with his sudarshan-chakra)…Karna was taking his guard…Seeing him not ready for delivery, Arjun sent a Yorker knocking the stumps...(In the past, Arjun had killed him when he was trying to bring a wheel of chariot out of mud)… Laxman’s bouncer broke Shuparnakha’s nose…and she complained to Raavan again…He couldn’t do anything…as he didn’t want to lose out on the contract amount…remembering what happened with Bhajji in 'Slap-gate' scandal…Arjun, as a fielder, got credited with many run-outs as he could hit the stump with one eye closed…

And Mytho-Heroes predictably won the match…As Good always prevails over bad…

Other Details of the Match: Bhishma wanted to watch this IPL match…Being used to bed-of-arrows, he couldn’t sit on a chair…Later, a special bed-of-stumps was arranged for him… Kumbhakarna thought a day-n-night match would continue for a year…As his 1 day equaled 6 months and he slept for 6 months thereafter…Shakuni-mama operated as a punter, taking bets on matches…Dhrut-rashtra was appointed as an umpire…to help Dare-devils win…by turning a blind eye to all the appeals against them…But it didnt help them at all...As he wanted to go to rest-room...He frequently raised his finger during Dare-devil's inning...Sanjay played the role of commentator (In the past, he used to update Dhrut-rashtra about war happenings…He was the first LIVE news channel reporter in the world…)

And Pandavaas again lost a bet on match and were sent on earth for vanvaas…

God Tussi Great Ho...!!

Bang Bang Bang…Stock market crashed down like a pack of cards…and my heart-beats increased at double the rate of downfall…Market ended in circuit filter and it choked the blood-vessels in my heart…It stopped working and I headed straight to heaven…

At the entrance of heaven, I found a security guard checking my details…His ID card revealed his name as ‘Chitragupt’…Shocked about my sudden exit from earth, I started the conversation:

Me: What the hell am I doing here?

C.G: This is not the ‘hell’…You are in heaven…

Me: But why me only? Why not anyone else?

C.G: God wanted to reduce the no. of cynical and pessimistic minds on earth…that’s why…

Me: But I haven’t done anything good in my life…So why am I in heaven and not hell?

C.G: Let me check your details….Ummm…You did only one good thing in your life…One girl had proposed to you in your college life and you had said NO to her…Later she got married…She still remembers you everyday and thanks you for making her life beautiful by rejecting her proposal…

Me: Ohhh…But this is not fair…I am still unmarried…I never got a chance to be romantic with any girl…And you guys made me come here…Total waste of my life!!...By the way…Do you have any matrimonial sites here?...If not, at least tell me if there is any girl who will be ready to marry me…

C.G: Right now, we don’t have any girl here who wants to ruin her peaceful life in heaven…But if any girl wants to go to hell, we would advise her to marry you…

Finally I unwillingly entered heaven…and got bored on the first day only…It was such a quiet and dull environment there…Everybody were reading holy books…singing verses praising God… Life was not hectic …There was no work to do…No need to earn money…Everything came free of cost…Anyone could drink Amrut without paying for it…Gold coins were lying there without any use…Nobody bothered to pick/steal them…I wanted to read ET, but how could ET be there if there was no economy at all…I searched for like-minded people, but couldn’t find anyone…Hanging there like a bored soul…I decided to raise this issue with God…

I, being a MBA finance guy, gave a PowerPoint presentation and explained the benefits of LPG (Liberalization, Privatization and Globalization) to God…How badly heaven needed an economy and developed financial markets…How God was making people in heaven lazy bums…(I had Marketing subject in 1^st semester of MBA…Finally, I could it use somewhere)…Bored with my presentation, He surrendered to my idea…and gave me the permission to go ahead with my plans…

I declared myself as CFO of heaven (of course, God was CEO)…Appointed Kuber as Treasury Manager…I wanted some of my friends at MET college, to work with me…I planned to bring them to heaven, but scrapped the plan as Yamraj didn’t approve it…I started working to set up an economy in heaven…I did put up a price tag on everything available there…and declared Gold coins as official currency of heaven..Thus forced people to work to earn their bread n butter…To provide them Jobs, I floated various companies…To generate some business for these companies, I undertook infrastructure and construction projects…To raise funds for these activities, I came up with IPOs…To get them listed, I created a stock exchange named as BSE…i.e. Bhagwaan’s Stock Exchange (as I did everything in the name of God…) I linked its trading to NSE…i.e. Narak Stock Exchange which was headed by Harshad Mehta…I did put Amrut in the bottles…Sold it through a chain of Bar n Restaurants ‘The-Wine (Di-Vine) Intervention’…Recruited Menaka-Urvashi-Rambha-and-other-Apsaras to dance there…Thank god, Heaven didn’t have any Home Minister like Maharashtra State has…I did set up banks to lend money to people…distributed credit cards and made them habituated to spend on credit…Disbursed housing loans without worrying about their repayment ability…I allowed FDI from Narak…All I wanted to do was…to have a booming economy there…

And my efforts began to offer fruits immediately…Peaceful minds turned into workaholic minds….Everybody started chasing money to survive there…Bribes, frauds, corruption, robberies started with introduction of money…Traders and Harshad Mehta from Narak manipulated stock market operations…Scams became routine affairs…People got used to throw gold coins in the bar (that’s why Apsaras had helmets on their heads)…Overspending became the lifestyle…Realty prices in the heaven got over-heated…Things became expensive day-by-day…Interest rates started going north-wards…People started defaulting on their repayments…and this heavenly Sub-Prime crisis swallowed every part of the economy that I had set up…

God asked me what could be done to bail-out the economy…I said, “My surname is Belekar…not ‘Bail’ekar…I am ready to accept my defeat”…Owning the responsibility, I resigned from my Job…And admitted that money doesn’t always keep you going in your life…We need to ensure that we have ‘Peace of mind guaranteed’…I realized why God kept the things simple in heaven…"God…Tussi great ho!!..."

P.S: ‘mAd’venture in the heaven continues…

Post-Subprime Career Options In My Life...

After reading so much on the financial turmoil going on, its effects on job market and placements at B-schools, it was easier for me to get frustrated…I tried my best to remain positive, but finally the cynical and pessimistic brain overpowered an eternal optimist soul within me…I searched out for career options that I can have in the present (and worst) scenario…Here is the List:

1) It is highly likely that I would take lot of time to get placed somewhere (because of market conditions)…Till that time; I can study each n every aspect of Finance and be a Finance Guru…Then I can deliver lectures at some new chintoo-mintoo management college as a Professor, to earn my bread n butter…

2) I can open a new Management Institute…(But I don’t have a pony-tail like Ravindram Choudhary!)…where receiving donations would be core-business instead of management education…

3) The only way to get placed is to start a new business…Now you will ask me, from where I am going to raise funds…I will take a loan from major Indian bank which is about to bust…Who cares for repayment, as it is going to bite the dust…(ohhh…this is turning out to be Sab-Rhyme Crisis)...

4) Just like M&A specialists or turnaround specialists, I can become a Bankruptcy Specialist. There is enough scope to advise banks/firms how to go bankrupt, avoid your liabilities, complete the formalities and fetch maximum price by selling your assets…

5) I can start a placement agency or launch a job website for the people who became jobless in this financial crisis…I can register a domain name like subprimejobs.com (just like BPOshaadi.com)…and will be the 1^st one to register my name there as a job seeker…

6) I can be an astrologer instead of Equity Research Analyst…When stock market moves on the basis of sentiments and news, people can be easily fooled to believe in movements of stars and planets, when it comes to investing in stock markets…

7) I can work as a News reporter for ET…covering news of current fiasco…how markets are going from worst to badly worst or worse than worst…

8) I can hire psychologists to open a chain named as ‘Subprime Consultants’…I can earn loads of money when people frustrated by ongoing crisis will come to us for counselling…But right now, I need a psychologist…Again, I will be the first client there…

(P.S: If you can come up with more ideas/options, please let me know…I need HELP!!…)

When Layman and Oldman move closer to the ‘Peril Inch' by inch….

Big banks in the world are tumbling like a pack of cards…making Wall Street as ‘Fall Street’…This is having repercussions on Dalaal Street…Painting it by red colour and making it look like ‘Halaal Street’…ET is giving detailed news about the whole saga…But not the prediction about what will happen in future…I wrote an article detailing after-effects of this Great Fall and presented it to ET editor…He threw it in the dustbin…So here is an article…straight from the dustbin…

What will happen if big banks continue to become bankrupt or getting sold:

1) Co-operative banks in Mumbai like Taaraswat Co-op bank and Raamrao Vithal Co-op Bank will be among largest Top 10 banks in the world…

2) These co-op banks will become hotcake at IIM placements…replacing lucrative offers from foreign banks…(you can guess who will come to smaller B-schools for placements)…

3) Dalal Street will become world’s new Financial Centre…dethroning Wall Street…

4) Tall buildings situated at Wall Street will be used for residential purposes…helping people who became home-less in subprime crisis…

5) US will blame any Islamic country for this financial crisis…will attack that country citing hidden financial weapons of mass destruction…(Read: Derivatives…)

6) Left parties in India will blame Capitalist US for downturn in Indian Stock markets…and will seek resignation of UPA government for its cordial relations with US…

7) Lehman CEO Richard Fuld will work as a Junior Analyst of Banking Sector at some small broking firm in Mumbai…

8) Bank robberies will become a thing of past…More no. of jobless people!!

9) MBA students will get more case studies…to add more no. of slides to their presentation on Subprime Crisis...

One Umbrella Can Change Your Life!!......

It was the monsoon season…I left college in the evening…and we were 3 people…me, he and she (me and he: male – she: female…This explanation is for those people who are grammatically sound and consider 'whatever-other-than-he-and-she' as third person i.e. It…) And it suddenly started raining…Fortunately, I had an umbrella with me…Unfortunately He and She didn't have umbrella…He pretended to sacrifice and I had to accommodate her under my umbrella…Considering our sizes together, one more person could easily have fitted in…So far, everything was O.K…And I got a 440-Volts shock (not because of lightening) when she held my right hand with her both hands…I felt embarrassed…Not because I disliked her…But from the fact that this happened in public…I thought each tree standing on the road, each stone lying on the road and every human being walking on the road, are looking at us…At the same time, I knew that she had utmost faith in me as a friend…but Indian public doesn't think the same way as she does…
Here is the comparison of what public might have thought and what was actually happening…
1) People thought that I forgot my friend (i.e. He) when I had a girl to share my umbrella…While I was showering him all the 'blessings' that I had in my vocabulary…for leaving me alone in a tricky situation and having a wicked laugh while running away from us…
2) People thought these 2 are walking a long path towards eternity…While it was about to end once we reached the bus-stop…
3) People thought these 2 are having romantic gupshup…While we were discussing about Derivatives lecture…
4) People thought these 2 are humming a song "Pyaar hua…ekraar hua hai…"While I was singing "Kya se kya ho gayaa…"
5) People thought that I was folding my jeans to be Raj-kapoor-look-alike…While I was preparing myself to be able to run fast…away from her…
6) People thought that I was holding umbrella to protect her from rains…While I was waiting for heavy wind…so that I could use my umbrella as a parachute…to get myself landed in safer area…
7) People said "Look at this Boy…who is jumping with Joy…" While I was comparing my footwork with that of Indian cricketers against Ajantha Mendis…
8) People thought of us as "Viru-and-basanti" from Sholay…While I was blaming myself for not pretending to be Thakur from Sholay…as it could have saved me from this embarrassment…

When we entered the bus, I kept my umbrella and my bag beside me…and thus forced her to occupy another seat…I called my distant friend from my mobile…and made her to talk to 'He'…Kitna bura hoon main…Some people talk to strangers and write a blog…And here I am, who treated my friend as a stranger and then wrote a blog…
These are the After-effects of this incident…
1) Now I don't use my umbrella to protect myself from rains…but to hide my face from public…
2) I always confirm who is coming with me and whether he or she is carrying an umbrella or not…
3) I am planning to buy a mini-umbrella…which can be attached to my head…No question of accommodating anyone…
4) And I am suffering from Umbrella-Phobia…

Life-Story : 2050...

Everyday I write my experiences, thoughts in my diary…This is the futuristic projection of my diary and Year is 2050!!

Here are the excerpts from my diary…

Date: 1St April

Today is the 1st day of new financial year…Since morning, I was thinking of how companies and stock market would perform in this New Year… Suddenly I got a reminder on my black-berry (people keep telling me this is the time to change my old-age black-berry phone...which I had purchased in 2010…But I am not going to buy a new phone until its book value reduces to zero…and it will never…as I have adopted Written Down Value Method!)… Ah! So reminder was saying…Today is our Wedding Anniversary!!...and I had completely forgotten about that…I quickly called my wife…I wished her for so many years of strategic alliance with me… As a part of celebrations, we had dinner with other family members at home, while watching CNBC show…We all enjoyed debating on Stock Market movements…That was the most economical and inexpensive celebration one could have!!

17th May

Today we (family members) had a post-dinner meeting to discuss the necessary steps to educate my grand-daughters SEBI and Nifty…We want them to be in the field of finance according to our family tradition…Hence we decided to buy a Stock Market Simulation Game for SEBI who will be in 4th standard this year (while her classmates were still playing Need for Speed)…And we thought that Charts of ABCD, fruits and vegetables are of no use for Nifty who will be in 1st standard this year…We need to replace those charts with stock charts…so that she can get a feel of stock market movements…Tomorrow I am going to teach her Financial ABCD…A for Amortization…B for Balance Sheet…C for Cost-Sheet…D for Derivatives…E for EPS…F for Futures…and so on…

19th June

Tonight, after appearing for weekly ET test conducted within our family, SEBI and Nifty insisted for a bedtime story. I told them the stories of double-digit inflation and crude oil prices in our times…They were so thrilled to listen to those stories…They went to sleep, only when I promised to tell them Harshad Mehta’s and Ketan Parkeh’s Stories next day...

6th July

SEBI baby came to me and said “Dude!! (Dadaji is a thing of past…) Would you do my homework?”…I agreed to do it..I was surprised to know that she had subjects like Marketing and HR in 4th standard!! I did her homework, which is as follows:

Mktg Qn: If you have to re-brand “khaki-vardi” of police with new name, what would it be?

Answer: ‘Note-Worthy”!

HR Qn: State any Universal Law of Human Behaviour…

Answer: Every beautiful girl has a brother who is over-protective of her sister, but at the same time can flirt with sisters of remaining brothers in the world…And every beautiful girl has a father who thinks that no one in this world is eligible to marry his daughter.

G.K. Qn: If a mouse is afraid of a Cat, then Cat is afraid of whom?

Answer: Curiosity…because Curiosity kills the cat…

I am sure SEBI will get maximum marks for this home assignment...

4th August

These are the Headlines in today’s newspaper:

-Sachin wants to play next World Cup…He wants Team India to win atleast 1 World Cup in his career

-Dev-aanand announced his next movie…”Censor –Part 10”…His heroine will be 16-year old girl…

-Mr.L.K. Adwani would be BJP’s PM candidate for next election

-India will become super-power by 2100 – President

23rd October

I had a heated argument with my wife over economic conditions of India…and she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day…Finally I told her…”See…in the past, we had such heated arguments twice…and when I tried to persuade you, we had Nasdaq (my son) and Nikkei (my daughter)…and now I don’t want to launch another Index in our family…!!”

8th November

Today is Nikkei’s birthday…I gifted her a Warren Buffett‘s book…As she turned 30 today…I asked her what type of boy(?) she would prefer to marry…She replied,” I want a husband who is 3-4 years elder to me…He must be a CEO…must be financially settled… His earnings should enable me to have a ‘comfortable life’…He should be tall, dark (not really!) and handsome… If his house is located at western suburbs, then sone pe suhaagaa…And I am ready to wait till I find such guy…Why should I settle for less?”…I scratched my bald head and thought…”This is 2050…but criteria have remained the same for girls…”

My 1st encounter… with my would-be wife!!

Here are the excerpts from my Auto-biography (which would be published during my post-retirement life), which narrates the story of my 1st meeting with my wife…Here it goes:

On one gloomy day, my aunty called my mom to announce that she had one Rishta for me…My mom excitedly passed this news to me…Being busy in reading Economic Times, I just asked her with blank expressions on my face, ”Is she an MBA in Finance? Does she work in field of Finance?” Only after getting positive answers to my questions, I asked my mom to inform her to meet me at a restaurant…

Can you guess the name of that restaurant??…If you know me well, you can guess it right…Being cost-effective person, I didn’t invite her to some expensive hotel…but to Mani’s @ Matunga…an economical Udipi restaurant…

We both reached there at the same time…Because we both were late by half-an-hour…Even she was not punctual like me…We chatted on the subjects of finance and economy…and we came to the conclusion that we both were on the same wave-length…When discussion reached to the word “Marriage”…We decided to devise some Rules & Regulations for us – to have a ‘financially sound and stable’ post-marriage life…And the Treaty that we signed contained following details:

1) To produce financial details of each other viz., Pay-slip, Bank Statement, IT returns, NSC and Other Investment Certificates, Insurance Policies documents, Demat A/c Statement…(She also asked for property papers…She was the perfect choice for me!!) Only after verifying these details, our Marriage will get confirmed…

2) To go for Court Marriage…If we cut down Marriage expenses (i.e. Initial Outflow) to minimal amount, then we would be able to achieve higher IRR…

3) To share the household expenses in fixed proportion and personal expenses to be borne individually…

4) Separate books of accounts will be maintained and they will be audited every month.

5) At the end of every month, budget for the next month would be prepared. If any one of us is found spending beyond Target or investing below Target, he/she would be monetarily penalized and amount of fine will be credited to our Joint a/c. Spending and Investment targets will be revised southwards and northwards respectively…’Cost-minimization with Investment-maximization’ would be mission statement for our lives…

6) Only CNBC and NDTV Profit would be watched in our house…

7) We would subscribe to at least 3 financial newspapers and 2 business magazines…

8) Gold will be bought as an investment…not for ornamental purposes…

9) Our children would become MBAs in Finance only…and we would encourage (Read: force) them to be CFAs…

As our thoughts and future projections matched, I asked her one question…”What do you think about Marriage?”…She replied… ”Marriage is not the acquisition…it is the Merger of two lives!”…and this answer convinced me that she was the perfect choice for me…I decided to take the next step…I did put a ring (obviously not of Gold – but imitation jewellery - worth Rs.5) in Idli-sambhaar dish…which she got while finishing sambhaar…And she immediately said Yes to me!!...At the same time, she licked that sambhar dripping from the ring…just to ensure that nothing is wasted (i.e. to maximize Resource utilization) even though I had paid the bill reluctantly…I was so delighted to get such a Makkhi-choos wife (or Angoothi-choos?)…

I had always dreamt of this in my life…Aaj mera sapna poora ho gaya…

Me: An aspiring writer!

Last month, I was seriously thinking of writing a book...and I was in search of a right script/story/subject, which will guarantee a sale of millions of copies and give me a Booker Prize in my 1st attempt of writing a book!! While evaluating various options, my thinking process was as follows:

“Should I write a book on Finance? No! I am not a Finance expert. I am just a Finance student! And anyways, Finance book does not get a Booker prize…

Should I write an auto-biography? No! I can’t even think of anything great I have done in my life…Now don’t say I will misinterpret auto-biography as Auto Sector Research report…Sometimes I can think of other-than-finance things!

Should I write about Politics? No! I have not done any scam or fraud in my life. Nor I have received Rs.25 crores for my vote…So I can’t write any sensational stuff…

Then any page3 type book? No! I am not a celebrity. (I am not even sure whether my neighbours know me by my name!) Hence, being a common man, I can neither reveal secrets of other persons nor write gossips in my book…

Then sports? No! I used to play cricket on my building’s terrace only…not at playground…and I do know about cricket only…and not other games…

Then bollywood films? No! I watched Kismat Konnection and got a severe headache…and my left eye got swollen…Long time back, I had watched Hello Brother and afterwards I never felt the need to have a haircut in my life! Hence no chance for Bollywood movies…

Should I write something, adopting Chetan Bhagat’s style? Ummm…His book’s titles always start with an odd digit…like One Night @ Call centre, Three mistakes of my life and Five point someone…(if he decides to use 9, then book’s title will be “nav-ratra” – based on Dandia nights at Ahmedabad!) If I need to know which particular digit or sequence of digits might prove lucky for me, then I must consult Haseena Baano Jaan! And she will charge $10 for every question…Too costly!”

While I was still pondering over subject of my book, news had spread everywhere that I was an aspiring writer and wanted to publish my own book. After some days, a publisher came to my house and asked whether I will write stories for Chandamama! I said No to him…and immediately gave up a thought of writing…I didn’t want to discourage children from reading books and spoil India’s future!...

An Interview with Neha Khufiya....

I work as part-time Journalist for our housing society's gossip magazine "Lafadaa"...It gets published once in a year and immediately finds a place at local Raddiwala's shop…To fill empty pages of this magazine, I decided to get an exclusive interview of actress (?) Neha Khufiya...She has more free time than anyone else in the industry (except Gracy Singh!) Being a journalist, I am used to typical and custom-made fake answers that Bollywood-stars do give. Hence I carried an inner-voice recorder with me to bring out the true details. Here is an interview of Neha Khufiya with a format of "Question-Page3 reply-Inner Voice"...

Q: Hi Neha! How is life?

Pg3: Ohhh...Life has been great...especially after the grand success of Ek Chaalis Ki Fast Local...I still haven’t got the time to celebrate its success…

I.V: Life is harsh…I am literally begging for roles...Waise My films are termed as successful if they complete 1st week in a theatre...(and my films are termed big-budget if producer spends some money to buy enough clothes for me…) and Ek Chaalis Ki Fast Local was released many years ago...I don’t even remember the year…

Q: You are doing few films recently...

Pg3: I have decided to do only those films which have a good script and are backed by big banners. I don’t want to do films just for the sake of doing them…

IV: Because no producer is willing to sign me for his film...I am ready to even do item numbers and guest appearances...Some producers demanded money from me to bag a role in their films…Right now…just completing some B-grade movies in hand...and attending page3 parties to have a free dinner...

Q: In recent interview, you expressed your desire to act in off-beat or comedy movies...why sudden change?

Pg3: Actually I want to show-off my acting skills which have never been utilized properly by directors…I want to be known as a good actress also...and not only as a film-star…

IV: People are tired of my skin-show on screen...Actually ‘Julie’ film didn’t leave any scope further to show-off my skin on screen…I think off-beat cinemas are always a good bet than b-grade movies...And I am sure that people will laugh at my acting skills…

Q: Can you tell us about your new film "Singh is King"?

Pg3: I am so excited about my new movie...My character has got different shades...and I worked so hard to give justice to my role...I enjoyed working with my co-stars...It was so fun..

IV: I didn’t even read the script...I just signed the contract as soon as I got a cheque...I am visible in the film only for 7 minutes and 41 seconds...I can say that I got a lead role in the extras...And I hated my co-stars most...They acted like ******* (This part is censored…I don’t want to hurt my neighbours at next door…They have 2 beautiful college-going daughters…)

Q: Will you be seen in reality shows?

Pg3: Reality shows don’t offer anything for actresses like me…They will make me stagnant...

IV: Actually I am waiting for an offer from reality shows (even if it is Doordarshan show…Chalega!!)...I will get some work and earn little money also...At least I would be able to buy a dinner on my own...

Q: When are you getting married with Ritvik Bhattacharya?

Pg3: Ohhh God...We are just "good friends"!! We are on best terms with each other and always hang out together...This doesn’t mean we are a couple!!

IV: Who cares about marriage? ...As long as he is paying for my expenses...I will continue to date him...As of now…instead of practicing with a ball in squash court, he is having a ball with me…

As I had enough of Masala to publish, I thanked her for offering her (free) time and wished good-luck for her career (which doesn’t exist anymore)!!!

Pappu can't dance saala...

I still remember...I was in 3rd standard...When my teacher asked the class "Who wants to dance in annual function this year?"…I immediately raised my hand...I attended practice sessions with great enthusiasm...While everyone else could dance with an ease, I repeatedly forgot my dance steps...and kept looking what steps others were performing...only to disturb the flow of dance sequence..My teacher immediately spotted the immense talent I had in dancing...and gave me a key and strategic role/position/location in the dance...I was told to play the role of Tree...And around me, all other boys and girls danced..Such a critical responsibility I carried on my young shoulders...only to make it a successful performance...Well I was instructed to wave my hands (and stand still!) when others danced...In the actual performance...I forgot to do even these steps(?) !!...And My mother still regrets that - to make me appear like a Tree, she had hired a dress (of Green Tree) from Magan dresswala and wasted Rs.50 (when purchasing power of a rupee was so high!)…
When I was a teenager, I fulfilled my wish of dancing...by dancing on the streets during Ganpati festival...Initially I was so scared to dance in the front of public...I myself applied red-coloured 'Gulaal' on my face (later public became red-faced!) so that no one could recognise me...and I enjoyed a lot...I moved my legs, I waved my hands in whichever direction I could...I jumped in the air...My dance style was so unique and had such a startling effect...that there was a man who had drank alcohol heavily and was literally rolling himself on the road in the pretext of dance...He got up on his feet when I started dancing and ran away from me...
I also remember the chocolate day in my college...I was in FYJC and had 1st jam session of my college life on that day...There were some guys who could not dance at all and were looking around whether anyone is watching them while dancing...We immediately formed a group...And danced together for all the 5 years...For all these years, other groups preferred to stay away from us when we danced...To de-risk their bodies and lives from any injury...
After so many years of practice, I became confident about my dancing skills and thought I had a good chance in Bollywood as a dancer...And why not?? If Sunny Deol and Sunil Shetty can dance in movies...there was no reason to disbelieve my dancing skills...(Anything can happen in Bollywood…On 27th June 2008, 2 movies got released with the similar-sounding titles...Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic and Thodi Life Thoda Magic!!) I had set Bollywood movies as my career path; until that unfortunate incident happened in my eventful life...I had gone to a discotheque only because my friend insisted (who obviously had never seen me dance before)...As soon as I started dancing, there were high decibel noises and chaos as some girls started shouting...Initially I thought I was getting such a terrific response from the crowd...But I realized soon that I had broken a girl's nose and hurt 2 other girls’ delicate toes...Before I could know what was happening, security guard had thrown me out of the discotheque and I was lying unconscious on roads...I need to mention here, as a brave person, I did fight with him till the end...I had almost managed to hit him on his nose...but he escaped from my brutal and lethal assault as I was punching my fists in the air only...and my friend told me later...that 'despite' 'this'fight', I was constantly reminding them about my fundamental right to dance as per Indian Constitution...Incidentally when security guard had attacked me...this friend refused to identify me as his friend...But he only arranged for ambulance and hospital etc etc (only after seeing Security guard's back)...such a true friend he was...
When I regained my consciousness in hospital (and I didn’t forget to deliver a customary Bollywood dialogue "Main kaha hoon?"...such a Bollywood buff I am)...I had to quit dancing with great courage and tear-filled eyes...only because my doctor advised to keep myself away from dancing as it could prove fatal to my life and injurious to others' lives...Yes...I know Bollywood lost its ‘could-be’ all-time great dancer...But kya karein...Destiny had other thoughts in her mind...
To forget my unfulfilled dream, I started writing...as I knew that Bollywood doesn’t have any writer who can come up with original script without watching a DVD of foreign movie...My friends say that I write reasonably good...(because they compare my articles with my dancing skills)...still...they always say..."But pappu can't dance saala!!"...

Summer2008 : Journey of Life...Season of Change...

Even though my dad looks like Anupam Kher, I am not so fortunate to have long 'hair' like Anupam's 'heir' Sikandar Kher....While his 2nd movie Summer 2007 tanked at Box-office, my Summer 2008 was also a big flop...
When I started preparing Summer Report for submitting it to my college, I was clueless about Key Learnings from my summer job...And when I thought about it...I wrote this blog!

These are few things I learned/realized from my summer job:
1) My job (in fact my destiny!) forced me to travel to the places where I had never dared to venture into....While I wandered the Continent sprawling from Andheri to Virar...I realised that how inconsiderate I was towards my friends who came from such far-flung places to our college...and I sweared not to ridicule them ever...Really..it was a journey of life...probably I would never get to travel so much in my life 'again'...But it was a-'Gain' for me...as I could learn the name of stations beyond Andheri...
2) Waiting for customers to interact with them...I used to stand there for 'long' hours...and being stranded at my workplace, I used to 'long' to return to home...At the end of the day...I felt my legs did not be'long' to my body..And I was happy to realize that I could stand on my own feet...It also answered a question which had remained a puzzle for me since my childhood..."How does a Horse sleep while standing?"...Now I have become perfect in applying this particular skill...
3) In my college days...I always wondered how to introduce myself to a pretty girl and start talking to her...Summer Job gave me an opportunity to learn this art...while conducting survey to collect the data...I liked this part (of my job!) too much...
4) True friends are those who will always be with you in the times of difficulty...I came to know who my true friend was during summers...And that was my Wrist-watch!!...I spent every hour there by looking at it...That was only ray of hope which brightened those gloomy days...(Even though my wrist-watch didn't have Radium in it!!)
5) I realized how difficult it is to talk to customers and convince them to opt for what they don't want...so I took an oath...that I would talk politely to all the surveyors/Salesmen (and saleswomen also!)/Tele-callers/Marketing people...Because I would never forget that...in the past...I was on the other side of the fence!!! (This time I am seriously thinking of taking up Marketing !!)

Anyways...I am not going to submit Hard-copy of my summer report to my college...I will give them just a link of my blog...Summer Blog...or Summer Slog? (Though it was part-time summers!)

When I entered into a Bank......

"I AM NOT HERE TO ROB THE BANK, ALL I WANT TO SAY IS THAT I DONT WANT ANY CREDIT CARD OR LOAN FROM YOUR BANK.......STOP CALLING ME........." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a kind of person who can not say No to anyone...who can be easily convinced...especially by Marketing people...and I realized this when I visited a Branch of a Private bank...

I wanted to deposit some cash in my saving a/c. As I entered that branch, I found number of suspicious people ready to pounce on me.. I went to a beautiful lady sitting at the teller counter and told her about my intentions...I mean about Cash deposit...
Lady: "What is the Deposit Amount,Sir?"
Me: "Rs.8000"
Lady: "Sir, we have special Lucky Draw scheme for cash withdrawals above than or equal to Rs.10,000!! And I am sure that you wont miss this opportunity to get Lucky...etc etc..."
I felt so special after talking to that pretty lady...determined to change my haath ka lucky-r...I went to withdraw Rs. 2000 from ATM Machine and deposited in the same account again...just to be eligible for that scheme!!!
Then she asked me whether I wanted to invest in Mutual funds..I asked her what was her profile...of a teller or a sales-person...Seeing me as a vulnerable person...She just ignored my question...and started talking about advantages of Mutual Funds schemes...Growth story of Indian Economy...Fortune of Stock Markets...I realised that she is not just a Teller...but also a Story-Teller and Fortune-Teller!!! I ended up in 'investing' in various MF schemes in few minutes...as I didnt believe 'in-wasting' others' time...
As I was about to leave that counter, those marketing people launched an attack on me...and after talking to every one of them...I had applied for
-A savings A/c (though I had already one)
-A Current A/c (though I don't run any business)
-An International debit Card (though I have never ventured out of Maharashtra)
-2 Credit Cards (Though I dont have any credit standing even at local Kiranaa Store)
-Life Insurance Policies/Plans (though no one is concerned about risks faced by me in life and everyone is interested to be nominee of those policies)
-Each type of loans that bank offers (I don't have payment history...Forget about Repayment history!!)
-Registration for each Free facility provided by Bank...I asked them 100 times about hidden charges...Yet they managed to convince me...and I remained oblivious of their 'hidden' motives....

After spending 3 hrs there, Investment Relationship Manager (another lady) ordered a coffee for me...I poked my finger inside that cup and tried to search something...She asked me what was I doing...I said "Are there any hidden charges for coffee?"...She laughed so loudly...that caused coffee to spill on my shirt...

At the time of saying Good-bye to her....She smiled at me...I was about to ask her one question...but she told me quickly..."Sir, we dont charge any fees for smiling at customers!!"....I was a happy and relieved man while stepping out of branch...

Morale of the Story: Private Bank (Retail Banking) is no longer a place for Finance professionals to work at...Marketing professionals have great future here !!

Disclaimer: Though characters are fictional, this story is based on real life experiences at Bank...and I had thought of this while sitting idle in a branch for 3 hrs!!

Marketing Guide for dummies....

Those who don't understand the subject of Marketing, here is the help for you...If you relate it with Love, it is the most simple subject in the universe...because Marketing is that magic which enables you to make an entry and survive in the world of love...This will also help Marketing people who are not yet successful in their love-life...

Here is the text...
There are 4 P's which are important for you to be success-fool in Love..They are:
1) Product: Today every product in particular category looks like the same...so if you are honest, reliable, kind and trustworthy, sorry my friend...that's what is expected from everyone....What additional features, you (as a product in the Market of Love) can offer, is the most important thing...Some girls may prefer Tall, dark and handsome...so first ensure what type of product you are..
2) Price: This can take several forms at various stages of your love-life...If you propose a girl and she replies in a way which makes you feel less dignified, that's the price paid by you for your
miss-adventure...If you marry your girlfriend and your parents throw you out of their home, price becomes 'cost' and you have to carry on with your life thinking of 'sunk' cost (cost aleardy incurred)...But it is the price which determines the marketability of you...In other words, the amount of expenses you can spend on your girlfriend...Hence, the price becomes crucial factor to succeed...
3) Place: Where you can afford to go for a date, is also important. When it comes to marraige, some girls may also reject you if your house is located at Central Lines....Hence, Place may determine your 'place'ment...
4) Promotion: The way you promote yourself,show off your qualities (3Ms: Money, Muscles, Motor vehicle), seals your fate...
Additional 5th P: 5)Packaging: This may overlap with 1st P i.e. product, but it brings out the importance of your style of clothing and other aspects of external appearance..

PLC - Pyaar ka Life Cycle: Love is a product, which has its own Product Life Cycle..and 4 stages also as follows: Introduction, Growth, Maturity, Decline
some rules of PLC:
-Amt of Love declines and money spent on ur girlfriend increases as ur love passes thru each stage of PLC...
-If u really love a girl in Introduction stage, u will b termed as Innovators....
-and if u r dating sum1 but start loving her in d decline stage....u will b called Laggards and there is a possiblity that she may have more than 2 BFs in her life...

More on this....but in d nxt chapter....

My Original Quotes...

(Warning: These quotes have been originally ideated and written by me...I used them as my status message on google-talk...)

I have no 'Face' value...still few girls want me at 'discount'...and remaining girls wud never apply for the issue...

About my prospective girl-friend...well..I dont have specific demand...you can relate it to Law of Demand...Nothing is inferior when your income is zero..and even giffen goods appear like Luxuries...

Every girl can draw Iso-cost line...But my girl-friend should be able to draw No-Cost Line, tangent to highest possible Isoquant...In short, she should be 'Makkhi-choos'...

I dont have any style statement....I have only Cost statement...

I am not brand-conscious.....I am Cost-conscious...

Love is like a lightening....when it strikes, some see its light, some hear its sound....and some get destroyed....

Love is a fictitious asset...it is intangible...it gets written off over the years...it appears on expenses side every year....only difference is that it never appears on Asset side...it is a permanent Liability...

I can tell u my success stories outside d class...but if u want to know about my failures....please be present inside my class...

If sum1 says that finance is shit, then Mktg is GAS coming out of it...atleast shit is tangible...

Tax & Death are certainties in Life...they can not b avoided...and Marriage prepares us mentally to deal with them without any difficulty..

My friend is so innocent...he doesnt know d difference between Melody & Maala-D...and IPL & i-Pill !!!

Sum1 said "Women are works of art as long as they do not speak!"...He must have met Rakhi Sawant only in his lifetime...

One girl told me,"Love and Marriage can never be planned"...I said,"Very true...I hav heard of Disaster Management...not Disaster Planning!!"

How wud an MBA-Finance propose a girl??.."U r d only OPTION in my life...U r my FUTURE...Lets EXCHANGE our hearts. Plz take STOCK of d situation and b an ANGEL investor in my VENTURE of love..."

Have u ever wondered why '-' is used in d word 'Love-Marriage'...because Love and Marriage are 2 separate things....Statistics says that...Even if they aren't mutually exclusive, they are dependent events in different way...When love comes to end, marriage happens and vice-versa...watever...

If your Girl-friend leaves you, do not cry over the money you spent/wasted on her...Do not liquidate your business of Love and declare yourself as Bankrupt....Instead write off the amount of expenses incurred on her as Bad Debts and concentrate on new 'Sundari Debtors'....Do not stop loving beautiful girls....as Love is a 'Going Concern' concept....

If you do Technical Analysis of your life..You would find many people at Peak level...But those very few people who are at Support Level…are your true friends...

You can learn lessons to fight piracy from me... Though my life is an open book, nobody has tried to copy it!

Everything in life comes with an expiry date...But we always forget to check it...

Don't teach me ur philosophy...Otherwise I will make u suffer from my 'Feel-Low'-sophy!!

If I am the next James Bond, Movie's title would be Quantum of Molasse(s)...

Subprime crisis didnt happen bcoz of finance people...It happened bcoz of inefficient HR people who recruited manipulative finance people...

LIFE goes on....I can neither apply any 'brake' on it...nor afford to take a 'break' from it....

People save what is left after spending....I spend what is left after saving...!!

You may call her as a Show-stopper....But she is the Heart-stopper for me...!! (This one is only for my Genelia...!!)

Suggestions for Economic Growth..

Today ET reported that Industrial Production is growing at slowest rate on the back of sluggish demand...Even Finance minister was heard asking banks to lower their lending rates so that people will take more loans, buy more consumer durables/goods and this way, Indian economy will achieve higher rate of growth...While everyone is thinking of ways to boost the demand in the economy, I want to suggest a way to achieve it (and which no one has ever thought of yet)....
Best way to boost demand for the products and increase the rate of Industrial Production growth and GDP growth, is MARRIAGE.....Now let me explain how it can be done...here is the 10-point Agenda...
1) We have the minimum age limit (21 for boys and 18 for girls) to get married...make this as maximum age limit for marriage....E.g. A boy has to get married before he turns 21, no excuses...
2) A special package for subisidised loans for Wedding ceremony expenses should be announced....Money wasted on this ceremony should be minimum Rs.10 lakhs...it is compulsory...you will get loans at concessional rates...Objective is to help Wedding Organisers and Catering Services grow...(By the way...every loan is categorised into 2 types: Productive and Non-Productive...this type of loan should be categorised as 'Re-productive'..)
3)Travelling and Hotels/Resorts industry will get more and more business with increase in travellers opting for honeymoon package..
4) Marriage creates the need for separate homes...Housing industry will boom...and in turn Cement companies...
5) To please your wife and convince her that you love her (only) a lot, you will have to shell out your hard-earned money on Golden Ornaments and Diamonds...so that this industry will grow...what if Gold costs Rs.11,350 per 10 gms...after all, you (have to) love her ...at any cost...
6) To avoid domestic quarrels on daily basis...one has to bear the expenses of shopping (I mean wife's shopping), Movies in multiplex, hotelling, etc...don' worry my brother...National Expenditure is increasing...Don't you know how National Income is calculated on that basis?
7) Every wife must have at least 2 credit cards....having tie-ups with malls and shopping bazaars.. Banking industry should be provided with the mobile numbers of newly wed couples, so that their Customer Care (?) Executives can call them for tele-marketing...(No need to panic...they won't call during nights)
8) Special mobile tariff plans should be launched for housewives and newly wed couples so that Telecom industry also may join the party...
9) Make it compulsory for couples (married only) to have babies right from the first year...more the no. of children is actually 'Good News' for economy!!!...No need to worry how earth can meet the growing needs...Increase in Population generates additional demand...That's what I learned in the Economics (Chapter: Demand and its Determinants)..
10) Finally...Special type of Loans should be offered to pay the interest on the Loans taken earlier...No matter how many people get destroyed in Debt Trap...Economic Growth is more important...

L.P.P......Life Partner Problem...

I wanted to get married...I was looking for a wife (obviously)....I thought, why not use knowledge of subjects learned in MBA syllabus?...
First comes Cost Management...So I listed down Cost factors which might arise in my life after marriage..after preparing Cost Statement, I found out that costs are so huge and there is no profit at all !....but as it was compulsory to get married (just like minimum production required to meet committed quantity), I had no other option....
Then comes Operations Research...I found out maximum amount that I could spend per month on each cost factors like shopping, hotelling, movies etc etc....with these variables and my budget, I prepared constraints for my L.P.P...then I wrote objective function of L.P.P which would seek to minimise occurence of these cost factors in a month...any girl which would be in the feasible region of L.P.P, minimising the Cost function, deserved to be my life partner !...
How to find such ideal match ??...here I decided to use the Marketing Subject...I selected Simulated Test Marketing method to address this issue...this method attracted responses of around 100 girls !! (I was surprised with such a good response and was on cloud nine...)...I gave Rs.2000 to each girl and sent them to a mall for shopping...any girl spending minimum amount out of Rs.2000, was meant to be my life partner...
When all girls returned after shopping, I tried to figure out who had saved the maximum amount of money...Then I realised that they had actually spent the entire amount...I asked for explanation and they told me...."It is better to spend entire amount than marrying you !!"....and they left cursing me for giving such a small amount to each of them...(now I came to know why so many girls had gathered in first place)...

I am still wondering whether my knowledge about these subjects is inadequate or me,as a product, failed... hmmm....at least I have minimised my losses to Rs.200,000 !!!.....

India 'Down:- Under' Pressure ??

Now Australia is leading the Test Series 2-0...when I heard this news, I thought whether it is shameful for us or not...and my conclusion is...Australia should feel ashamed the way they have achieved this win and how Team Australia and Australian media has behaved...
Points to be considered are:-
1) The champions should be able to win a match by their performance only, not with the help of umpires...
2) When even umpires could not end Sourav dada's inning... umpires had to take help of Ricky ponting, instead of third umpire...
3) Ideally one wrong decision should not affect performance of a team which is challenging Champions...but there was not only one, but were many wrong decisions (in fact, one dismissal can change the outcome of a match)
4) Australians are known for sledging and their agression...now when Harbhajan is doing the same thing with their players, Australian media is criticizing him...that shows how quick they get frustrated when someone launches counter-attack on them...
5) Andrew Symonds thinks, whatever people talk about him is a case of racial abuse...may be there is need to correct his 'perception' of others...and what happened when Australian spectators racially abused Muralidharan?..

And one more thing...those who stay in India and support Team Australia...should not celebrate this win which is achieved by cheating....these people love australia just becuase it is no.1 team...if tomorrow Bangladesh becomes no.1, they will start loving Bangladesh...we are the true Team India fans and will remain loyal even if it gets whitewash in Australia...Even in defeats, we will calculate numbers, who has scored centuries and half-centuries from Team India...how their batting average has improved, etc, etc...We will derive the pleasure from statistics, if not win....

By the way, all the umpires (including Third Umpire) have been awarded Man of the Match prize and Andrew Symonds & Match referee have received the Nobel Prize for efforts towards elimination of racial abuse....

My New Year Resolutions....

I think it's time to make my this year's resolutions public....
Here they are...

1) I will stop wasting my time in chatting and orkutting...
2) Instead, I will spend my time on moneycontrol.com and other financial websites...
3) I will stop reading sports, page 3 and gossip columns in newspapers...
4) I will read Economic Times entirely...
5) I will stop supporting Indian Cricket Team...
6) I won't look at any beautiful girl.....

Now you can guess what will happen to these resoultions...Next year, same blog will appear here,of course, with new date :-)