Me: An aspiring writer!

Last month, I was seriously thinking of writing a book...and I was in search of a right script/story/subject, which will guarantee a sale of millions of copies and give me a Booker Prize in my 1st attempt of writing a book!! While evaluating various options, my thinking process was as follows:

“Should I write a book on Finance? No! I am not a Finance expert. I am just a Finance student! And anyways, Finance book does not get a Booker prize…

Should I write an auto-biography? No! I can’t even think of anything great I have done in my life…Now don’t say I will misinterpret auto-biography as Auto Sector Research report…Sometimes I can think of other-than-finance things!

Should I write about Politics? No! I have not done any scam or fraud in my life. Nor I have received Rs.25 crores for my vote…So I can’t write any sensational stuff…

Then any page3 type book? No! I am not a celebrity. (I am not even sure whether my neighbours know me by my name!) Hence, being a common man, I can neither reveal secrets of other persons nor write gossips in my book…

Then sports? No! I used to play cricket on my building’s terrace only…not at playground…and I do know about cricket only…and not other games…

Then bollywood films? No! I watched Kismat Konnection and got a severe headache…and my left eye got swollen…Long time back, I had watched Hello Brother and afterwards I never felt the need to have a haircut in my life! Hence no chance for Bollywood movies…

Should I write something, adopting Chetan Bhagat’s style? Ummm…His book’s titles always start with an odd digit…like One Night @ Call centre, Three mistakes of my life and Five point someone…(if he decides to use 9, then book’s title will be “nav-ratra” – based on Dandia nights at Ahmedabad!) If I need to know which particular digit or sequence of digits might prove lucky for me, then I must consult Haseena Baano Jaan! And she will charge $10 for every question…Too costly!”

While I was still pondering over subject of my book, news had spread everywhere that I was an aspiring writer and wanted to publish my own book. After some days, a publisher came to my house and asked whether I will write stories for Chandamama! I said No to him…and immediately gave up a thought of writing…I didn’t want to discourage children from reading books and spoil India’s future!...

An Interview with Neha Khufiya....

I work as part-time Journalist for our housing society's gossip magazine "Lafadaa"...It gets published once in a year and immediately finds a place at local Raddiwala's shop…To fill empty pages of this magazine, I decided to get an exclusive interview of actress (?) Neha Khufiya...She has more free time than anyone else in the industry (except Gracy Singh!) Being a journalist, I am used to typical and custom-made fake answers that Bollywood-stars do give. Hence I carried an inner-voice recorder with me to bring out the true details. Here is an interview of Neha Khufiya with a format of "Question-Page3 reply-Inner Voice"...

Q: Hi Neha! How is life?

Pg3: Ohhh...Life has been great...especially after the grand success of Ek Chaalis Ki Fast Local...I still haven’t got the time to celebrate its success…

I.V: Life is harsh…I am literally begging for roles...Waise My films are termed as successful if they complete 1st week in a theatre...(and my films are termed big-budget if producer spends some money to buy enough clothes for me…) and Ek Chaalis Ki Fast Local was released many years ago...I don’t even remember the year…

Q: You are doing few films recently...

Pg3: I have decided to do only those films which have a good script and are backed by big banners. I don’t want to do films just for the sake of doing them…

IV: Because no producer is willing to sign me for his film...I am ready to even do item numbers and guest appearances...Some producers demanded money from me to bag a role in their films…Right now…just completing some B-grade movies in hand...and attending page3 parties to have a free dinner...

Q: In recent interview, you expressed your desire to act in off-beat or comedy movies...why sudden change?

Pg3: Actually I want to show-off my acting skills which have never been utilized properly by directors…I want to be known as a good actress also...and not only as a film-star…

IV: People are tired of my skin-show on screen...Actually ‘Julie’ film didn’t leave any scope further to show-off my skin on screen…I think off-beat cinemas are always a good bet than b-grade movies...And I am sure that people will laugh at my acting skills…

Q: Can you tell us about your new film "Singh is King"?

Pg3: I am so excited about my new movie...My character has got different shades...and I worked so hard to give justice to my role...I enjoyed working with my co-stars...It was so fun..

IV: I didn’t even read the script...I just signed the contract as soon as I got a cheque...I am visible in the film only for 7 minutes and 41 seconds...I can say that I got a lead role in the extras...And I hated my co-stars most...They acted like ******* (This part is censored…I don’t want to hurt my neighbours at next door…They have 2 beautiful college-going daughters…)

Q: Will you be seen in reality shows?

Pg3: Reality shows don’t offer anything for actresses like me…They will make me stagnant...

IV: Actually I am waiting for an offer from reality shows (even if it is Doordarshan show…Chalega!!)...I will get some work and earn little money also...At least I would be able to buy a dinner on my own...

Q: When are you getting married with Ritvik Bhattacharya?

Pg3: Ohhh God...We are just "good friends"!! We are on best terms with each other and always hang out together...This doesn’t mean we are a couple!!

IV: Who cares about marriage? ...As long as he is paying for my expenses...I will continue to date him...As of now…instead of practicing with a ball in squash court, he is having a ball with me…

As I had enough of Masala to publish, I thanked her for offering her (free) time and wished good-luck for her career (which doesn’t exist anymore)!!!