Jab Main Chhota Bachcha Thaa…

Even though I look shy, serious and innocent, it takes few days for anyone to demystify the Real Yogesh behind these simple looks. And the things I usually have to hear are “Looks are deceptive”, “You don’t look what you really are” etc etc….

Sometimes such statements make me think of what I was as a kid and take me back to my childhood memories.

Flashback…

No one would believe that I was a fat and plump baby till the age of 2 years. After that I have maintained myself slim and trim to date. Though I looked fragile and thin, I used to eat a lot… especially when we visited any relatives’ home. Within a few minutes after entering their homes, I would make gestures – suggesting the level of my hunger to my parents. Taking this cue , the hosts would give me chocolates, biscuits n sweets… May be I was interested only in this part of our visit. One day, tired of my weird habit, my parents gave me serious dose of warning coupled with a severe punishment… And I had to get rid of this habit…

As a child, I had performed few violent action scenes. Once, my elder brother had a fight with his friend and I could not control my anger… I went close to them… Others might have thought that I would try to pacify them and stop the fight…Instead, I grabbed his friend from behind and tore his shirt….. And then, I ran back towards my home… It happened in split seconds and no one could realize what the hell was happening there… I guess I was in the 1st standard at that time… After this incident, no girl in my colony dared to argue/fight with me… even though I was a small kid…

I was good at throwing stones at targets. Once I broke a car’s window and luckily one of my friends, standing next to me, was also pelting stones. No one could figure out who had actually broken the glass and onlookers blamed him as the troublemaker …Finally his dad had to pay the price for it (in cash)… Once I had a fight with my friend and we were both hurling stones towards each other… He didn’t know how good I was at hitting the target and I managed to hit his forehead. With blood-stains on his face, he complained to his mother. Surprisingly, she just narrated what had happened to my parents and didn’t complain… Either she was scared of my expertise in stone pelting… Or… She couldn’t believe an innocent looking boy would do this… I guess various political parties must have approached my parents for my career in stone pelting activities at Bandh, Morchaas and Riots etc etc…

When the “Big” boys of colony played cricket, they never allowed small kids to be a part of the game… To accommodate myself in their scheme of things, I preferred fielding at first slip…To feel like a real-life wicket-keeper, I used to wear my socks as hand-gloves (even though I stood at slip cordon)… No wonder why our wicketkeeper frequently dropped catches - as his hands were busy blocking his nose…

That was the age of Mahabharat, the TV serial, and He-Man… We all tried to imitate the same while playing… We used to sit on our tri-cycles (our so-called Rath)… divide ourselves in two groups and fight with He-Man swords and Gadaa of Bhim… That was our kiddy-version of Mahabharat !!!

Once my parents bought a new tri-cycle for me… Eager to show it to my friends, I immediately went to my best friend’s house. I had completely forgotten that was his birthday. He shouted happily… “Is it a birthday gift for me??” I was completely baffled with his misinterpretation of the situation… I shouted back…”It’s mine!!” and I disappeared…

When other kids were busy crying for toys I always asked my parents to buy comics for me… Most of the times I used to return from school with tears in my eyes, as I always wanted more and more books to read… Even at that age, I was very price-sensitive… I remember… I had not allowed my mother to buy expensive colours for me and insisted on low-cost colours… A lady present in that shop exclaimed… “New generation is so price-conscious…!!!” I used to save lots of coins in my piggy bank and whenever my parents offered me currency notes in exchange of those coins… I always refused… as I was reluctant to accept less number of notes for more number of coins (even though value was the same!!) No doubt my financial fundamentals were wrong as a kid… But ‘Saving’ and ‘Value for Money’ are still core principles of my life…

When I was in the 3rd Standard, I had participated in a stage play of my school. I was (and still I am) really a poor actor… I had a tiny role and few dialogues in that play, still I would forget my lines and end up watching others steal my lines…. We had many screenings of that play in various schools… As the number of shows increased, the number of lines I could speak on stage went southwards… And after each show I would cry, wondering why I didn’t get a prize for best actor… and my poor mother always did the tough job of consoling me… as she knew that I never deserved it…

With life approaching the wrong side of twenties, it is great fun to recollect my childhood memories … Especially when I can see glimpses of my childhood when my little nephew plays around… And I feel like a circle has been completed… when he drags my bag with all the strength he has …searching for toys and chocolates that I do bring for him…!!!

(Note: The picture at the top does not offer any evidence that I was trying to steal a car... It is the same car whose window I had broken successfully...)

Ghost Mera Dost…

It was 2 a.m. in the clock…and I was chatting online as usual…As I watched out of window, I saw a horrible creature hanging on a tree and waving his hand towards me…I got freezed there only as I realized that it was a ghost!!...And within no time, ghost came towards window, sat there and started talking to me...

Here is the account of what transpired between us that night…

Ghost: Hi dude!! Why did u get scared?

Me: Actually I couldn’t believe myself…Initially I thought that I saw my mirror image in window glass…Then I realized that you are a ghost !!...exact look-a-like of me…But why did u say Hi to me?

Ghost: When I looked at you through window, I thought this animal with horrible face and skele’toon’-like body belongs to my community… I wondered what you are doing inside home… Then I guessed you must be a human being…

I touched his feet…He blessed me…

Ghost: You are so well-cultured person! You touched my feet even though I am a ghost…

Me: Actually that’s not the case…I wanted to see whether your feet are really ulta or not…But why you are hanging on a tree?

Ghost: Ohhh…you know…Mumbai is so crowded…Even ghosts from Bihar and U.P are coming to Mumbai in search of more dead-bodies and bones to fend for themselves…So we have very few options left when it comes to accommodation…I think we ghosts also should beat these outsider ghosts just like a political outfit does in Mumbai…

Me: That’s not going to solve your problem…Anyways…How did u become a ghost?

Ghost: Marriage and suicide…

Me: Aren’t they synonyms?

Ghost: Yes…they are…But most of the times, latter is the result of first one…

Me: You hang out at midnight…You don’t have any work to do…Don’t you get bored? What do you ghosts have for entertainment?

Ghost: We go out for dating with Bhootnis…Daayans…Chudails…We dine, drink blood wine…have a feast of flesh and to woo our dates…we sing ‘Bhootni ke’ song from Singh is King… Apart from dating, we plan an outing once in a month…on an auspicious Aamawas ki Raat…We also organize Halloween day once in a year…We celebrate it by wearing masks of human beings…

Me: Ohhh…you watch movies also??? That’s my ritual on every weekend !!…Do you enjoy Bollywood movies?

Ghost: Yes…very much…Because we watch them free of cost…nobody asks us for ticket…But sometimes we have to pay a price for it...in a different way...e.g. Few worst movies like RGV ki Aag, Hello and Hello Brother still haunt us… I still find myself waking up at midnight…screaming and shouting…I must tell you this…You know...Once Ram Gopal Varma had declared prize for watching ‘Phoonk’ alone in a theatre…To our surprise, no one was there…only ghosts were there…and this film traumatized us so much…But I love Ramse Brothers…They made our community famous…We owe a lot to them…

Me: Did you ever get inspired by such films?

Ghost: Once I saw Tabbu’s Hawaa…realizing that I can benefit from being invisible…I tried to implement this idea…I entered one house…But unfortunately, there was a male inside bathroom…And apparently, he was in mood to celebrate Delhi Highcourt’s decision to amend Sec 377…When he attacked me with ‘abnormal’ intentions, I fled from the scene…After that, I never dared for such misadventures…

Me: Any plans for 2^nd Marriage?

Ghost: (Shivering with fright)…No...No...Not at all…Even male ghosts get scared with the idea of marriage…We do enjoy our life as ghosts…and consider marriage as thorn in the flesh (not that what we eat)…even though we are just skeletons..

Me: Tell me...Why do you ghosts come out only after 12 a.m.?

Ghost: Actually we have heard that all Ekta Kapoor’s K-Serials on different channels end @ 12a.m…She is the only human being who can keep us away…Anyways…Time to leave now..I have a date fixed with ‘Rangilee’ chudail tonight…But it was nice talking to you…I felt like I was chatting with my best friend…Let me ask you one thing… Are you single??

Me: Yes…Otherwise I would not have been chatting so late and wasting my time..

Ghost: I have a ghost sister who could not marry when she was alive as a human being… Will you marry her and join our community?

Now I was in real trouble…I decided to use my age-old trick…You could guess it easily… I started dancing…I thought my dancing-style would scare him for his ‘dead’ life…But surprisingly, he looked delighted…

Ghost: Ohhh…You dance so well…You would be a ‘hit’ in our g'Rave’ parties…Daayans and Chudails would love to dance with you… You are a perfect fit to be my laadla jeeju… And I know you had an affair (in desperation) with extra-terrestrial female... Why don't you try out this proposal?

Now it was the time to use my last weapon…I started discussing marriage and its ill-effects… Love and its correlation with Money....Suddenly he screamed, yelled, shouted…and disappeared…From that day, I never found any ghost hanging on trees near my window…

I Love Dsouza...Genelia Dsouza....

Sometimes people fall in love at first sight. Many times feeling of love develops out of constant interaction and sometimes people don’t realize that they are in love even though their heartbeats keep ticking in the name of someone special.

And I fall into exactly the last category. Clichés say that better late than never, but I wonder, had it been earlier, what exactly it would have made the difference? Still, I love Genelia...

Naaahhhh... This story is not based on fantasies like Rangeela or Mast...This a true love story of a teenager soul trapped in a 25-year 'old' body.

I knew Genelia since her debut film “Tuze Meri Kasam” (Now someone would crack good old PJ...that she still doesn’t know me) I knew that she had been struggling there and I cared little about her... then I watched “Jaane tu yaa Jaane Naa” and I loved it! I watched it again and
I was still clueless about what my heart is following.

And then one incident made me realize my true love....

Idiot box started airing new ad campaign of Fanta Orange. I used to watch these ads intently... No matter how many times my TV set kept repeating it and suddenly I felt that I should try this new drink. I went to a shop and asked for a new orange drink... Shopkeeper asked in return “Which one exactly?” and this question made me blank... I had not bothered to know the name of the brand she was advertising... I said “Woh naya waala aaya hai na orange drink I guess Mirinda Orange.” He replied "Its Fanta Orange...not Mirinda Orange" and I kept insisting that it’s not Fanta. I went to another shop and did exactly the same thing... I continued my search for this new orange drink for a good 3 days. The funniest thing is that during this period, I watched the same ad so many times and I STILL didn’t notice the brand name even once, I was THAT engrossed in watching Genelia only. While I had become a subject of ridicule among shopkeepers of Dadar, I once again barged into the 1st shop I had visited and once again repeated the same questions and that irritated the shopkeeper... He said “Arey saab who Mirinda Orange nahi hai" I asked with great composure, “Woh Genelia kaun se ad mein aati hai ?” He said, “Fanta Orange” then I quipped, “Toh wohi dena...Waise naam mein kya rakha hai?” Shopkeeper shot a surprising look towards me. May be he was wondering about my age...may be that day I killed the marketing concepts of Brand Identity. If target audience gets engaged with brand ambassador only and gets completely misled with the product name and asks for rival product, it shows how brand ambassador overshadows the Brand name. Definitely Fanta Think-tank was not seeking such a response.

Once I came to know that I love Genelia, it changed my way of watching her movies... I questioned the presence of other characters (besides her) on the screen. Once during a lecture, I watched her super-duper-hit Tamil movie Bommiralu. It had English sub-titles, so I could mute the sound and watch it even in the presence of an irritating professor. And I must confess... I had not any confusion in deciding whether to read English sub-titles or just look at Genelia. To give some respect to the movie, I read the English sub-titles only when she wasn’t in the scene. Even though I watched it like a silent movie, it had made a way to my silent love towards her. Once I realized my true love I never hesitated to express it in public, I kept 'staring' at bus-stop banners 'starring' Genelia much to the amusement of onlookers... I watched “Jaane Tu Yaa Jaane Naa” repetitively making my parents to believe that their son had only 1 movie in the world to watch in life. My friends always used to tease me by asking “How is Genelia?” and I used to answer with a sad face, “She is fine even without me.” Few friends found my love as very cute while many friends wondered why he likes Genelia so much and one friend thought that I am still studying in 3rd standard. My 3-year old (?) little nephew watched Genelia wearing 'Zebra T-shirt' in Perk Popups Ad and shouted, “Look at Zebra”.... Really! This young generation doesn’t know how to respect their “Prospective aunt”.

Yes... You can have a hearty laugh at me taking a dig at my true love. But remember one thing, who knows my love story might become a real-story like the reel-story of Mast movie and I may emerge as a tough competition to Ritesh Deshmukh and at that time I am not going to tell you anything about my affair... I would just say, “We are just good friends!!!” (See I have started practicing how to tackle media attention)

Sometimes you can not have explanation for everything. I really don't know the reason behind this attraction...and I really don't bother about the ultimate fate of my love and the people who question about my age and sanity... But I am damn sure about one thing...While her career graph is heading northwards, she needs a husband who will take care of her as well as her personal finance...and I guess... I am the only 'dil'logical choice for her !!

Sharma aur Holi......

“Hello…Punjab Power…Lighting up your life”….These may not be the exact words Mr. Sharma may utter while picking up the phone…But his dressing style-n-lifestyle was similar to that of Suriji in ‘Rab ne bana di Jodi’…Mr. Sharma...a common man with a simple life…Struggling everyday for his survival on this earth… His lower middle-class life in Mumbai was going on like a man dragging his feet in despair…

It was the day of Holi…He ventured out of his house to earn his bread-n-butter…He was about to reach the railway station…and someone threw a balloon at his white shirt – splashing red colour all over his shirt…He thought of going back to his house and change his shirt…But one late-mark in the office muster…and he would lose half day's pay – which he could not afford in his fight to meet two ends (Read: First and last day of every month)…He decided to continue with his dangerous local-train-journey towards his office…And he observed one thing…much to his surprise...that everyone was looking at his shirt…Many people were laughing at him…Girls were giggling at him..Someone rarely had sympathetic look…Yet…he was very happy with it…because in a normal life, nobody cared to give him a damn…and just because of his wet-n-colourful shirt…he had become the centre of attraction at this moment…Having attention of girls was a special achievement for him…which he had never managed so far in his entire life…In addition to this…he got a comfortable place to stand inside the local compartment…as no one dared to stand close to him - to get coloured by his shirt…He was enjoying this luxury for the first time being used to hanging on doors of train…fighting for space to put his foot inside compartment…

That night…He came outside to celebrate Holi…Standing next to bonfire, he could imagine all his worries-n-tensions getting burned with Holi…At the time of shouting ‘gaalis’ loudly, he yelled-shouted-sweared at every opportunity…A common man like him doesn’t get a chance like this to air his opinions…and he utilized it to the maximum extent… Neighbours living in his building – who never said Hi / Hello to him – were talking to him…applying colour on his face…This was the only day when people were ready to recognize him as a human being and his existence on this earth…and even if it was meant to have colourful fun…He felt nice… Those colourful faces of everyone made him to think of them as equal…regardless of caste, language and status…He danced on the beats of DJ…like no one is watching him…till his bones were about to get dislocated from their original place…Some political party workers –who always thought of him as an outsider in Mumbai – also joined him…A festival like Holi – made him an insider – at least for one night…

Next day…He again enjoyed getting his entire body painted in different colours…So much that he had become unrecognizable…Looking in the mirror…He had hearty laugh at himself…A common man had a makeover free of cost…(and yes…fortunately he could afford a soap)… Drinking bhaang made him laugh without a pause…and forget all the problems in his life…including job insecurity in this recession....

So far so good…After having enough of bhaang, he decided to return to home…On the way…He met his childhood friend whom he loved so much – but never had he dared to propose to her… he was always scared of her beauty, financial status and lifestyle…and his love remained silent expecting rejection…But today was different day altogether…Bhaang still had effect on his brain…He proposed her and got slapped immediately…It brought him back on this earth…

He went home…But he was a very happy soul today…as he had dared to do something which he never thought to be possible…He resolved that, next day onwards, he is not going to continue with his boring life…Not a new life exactly…but same life…with new colours, newly-found guts and a nasha that bhaang can have...

Sometimes a festival can bring a refreshing change in a common man’s life…no need to visit expensive restaurants…luxury malls…Only thing he needs is...a different perspective to look at ordinary things with an ability to find happy moments in day-to-day life...I guess...a common man can afford it....!!

Dummies Guide to Recession........

Every year, the veteran & makkhichoos investor -Mr. Moron Lapet sends an open letter to investors…Whole investors’ community looks for his guidance…In this year’s letter he has guided people how to tackle recession… Here is the copy of his letter:

Dear All,

The whole world is grappling with recession... When new sources of revenues become rare to find and existing ones inflexible to expand, you have no other option than cost-cutting...Then it is the time to re-think of some basic yet important things in your life... Continue with 're-session'(s) of thoughts-n-strategies till you arrive at-'least' cost level...Initiate this process with following advice:

Marriage:

Boys – If, unfortunately, you are already engaged, defer your marriage by at least 2 years... If you can’t defer it, run away from your home to get married in court – even if your parents do no have objection for your marriage… Court marriage will help you to reduce one-time capital expenditure on marriage – which ultimately is subject to daily depreciation only…(After getting married, please return to your parents house...Separate house is not affordable these days...) If, luckily, you are still single, watch romantic movies at home… If you still want to get married, then include financial criteria also in your list (apart from physical criteria of beauty and figure)…Think practical guys…If you are already married, please do not you dare think of divorce…Continuing with your marriage is certainly the less expensive option…

Girls: Don’t get married at all…Your independence is certainly a valuable asset during recession… (Boys…Please thank me for providing such advice)…If any girl wants someone to pay for her personal expenses during this slow-down, please get married…

Love:

Boys: Remember no one loves for ‘what you are’ minus your salary package minus bank balance… Hence Love yourself…that’s the best, safest and zero-cost option you can have…

Girls: If you are already in love, keep checking employment status of your boyfriend…If you don’t want to love anybody, at least pretend that you are still available…there will be many guys to provide stimulus packages (of course financial) to up-lift your ‘Shopping-based’ economy which is already down due to recession…

Electricity: Watch TV programs at your neighbour’s house…Iron your clothes on the back of your refrigerator (when it gets heated)…

Business: Venture into the business of Maternity hospital (even though you are not a gynaecologist...) As long as there are concepts like ‘ghar ka chiraag’ and 'khaandaan ka naam'…Pregnancy is recession-proof industry…Family Planning will affect the volume of your business... But huge population base offers you enough scope...

Entertainment: Find out all the possible ways to entertain yourself free of cost…

Married people: You know what you can do…If you don’t, there are many to replace you… Unmarried people: Read previous line and be ready for replacement…Or keep laughing at miserable lives of married people… Girls: Please continue with your gossip…

Watch movies on pirated DVDs only...(I support piracy...It's the only way to reduce economic inequality between me and those people who can afford to buy a movie-ticket!)...

Financial Planning: Don’t invest your money anywhere…It’s better to keep it safe at your home…These days, rats/cockroaches are safer than banks....Don’t spend anything you have… Keep borrowing till you become insolvent…Then government would come out with relief packages…By that time, you must have been rendered homeless… Build a zopadi on pavement (if there is still any space left) …Within few years, you would get a free home to live in…

Decision: Don’t try to change your job or wife…You may never know how dangerous new boss or new wife might be…Known devils are better than unknown ones…Any such type of risk is not advisable in this recession...

Friends: Demand treats from your friends on every little occasion (or even in the absence of any occasion)... Cash-rich and generous friend(s) is the need of hour..."A friend who can feed is the friend indeed..."

Neighbours: These are age-old tricks...Read your neighbour's newspaper before he picks it up in the morning...Enjoy quarrels/fights at their home...(Refer Entertainment point)...Keep asking them for 1 bowl of sugar/grains etc etc...Hence remember..."Love your neighbours"...(especially if they have a beautiful daughter...)

Food : Keep visiting your neighbours or friends at the time of dinner only…If they want to come to your house for dinner…Just lock your door from outside and hide in your kitchen…Within 2 months, no one will be your friend or relative…and you would run out of your options…Then call me for advice…but I would come for dinner also…Because even I have run out of my options…

What I did on this Valentine's Day...

Having spent all the valentine-days in my life with ‘single’ status tagged on my love-resume, my hopeless mind knew that this valentine-day also was not going to be special…Without any opportunity and plans to celebrate it, I had no choice but to spend it like an ordinary day…But the good thing was…Even though my soul had become ultra-pessimistic about love, my brain had a strategic angle to dig out opportunities in the face of adversities…And my brain got its fodder, when I read a news article…The article was related to V-Day celebrations which were opposed by some CulturalTaalibaans… This moral police-force had dared couples to celebrate v-day…and if they dare to do it, those couples will be forced to marry…on the spot!!

Immediately my opportunistic mind started working at extra-pace…I thought…If I get noticed by these cultural activists with a beautiful girl (even though i am a stranger to her), I would get married!!...And if this happens, it would seemingly have 3 advantages:

1) Without any efforts / expenses / risk / waiting time to pataav her, she would be mine…

2) My marriage would be absolutely free of cost…

3) I don’t have to convince my parents about love-marriage…No emotional black-mailing….No senti dialogues using heavy words like khaandaan ki ijjat etc etc…

Having decided my strategy to get married, I left for college in the morning…And I was still wondering how to reduce the cost of V-day gifts…So that I can hold those gifts in my hand and pretend to be celebrating V-day – to fool those morons …I saw some activists thrashing few gift-shops in the protest of V-day…Sensing an opportunity, I also chanted anti-V-day slogans and barged into one shop…I looted whatever cards and gifts I could…Thus I had enough ‘chori-kaa-maal’ for the day to try my luck…

I knew that these activists won’t enter my college…So I didn’t try any thing adventurous there…But when my friends went for lunch, I ensured that I was sitting next to a beautiful girl from my group…I was waiting eagerly to get caught by those activists…I was eating my food as slowly as possible…I ordered more food items just to buy time…But no one came and I lost my 1^st chance of the day…

Having no luck at my college…I decided to move towards an area predominantly occupied by commercial buildings…I found one beautiful woman…wearing a blazer, she looked like a high-profile executive…In this kind of recession, it was good idea to have a wife earning loads of money…I stood next to her…holding all the V-day gifts and cards in my hand…And within few seconds, those vandalizing activists came from no-where…They caught me 'red'-handed (with those red-coloured gifts)…I was so delighted at the thought of marrying her…Socha…Meri to nikal padi…Lekin haay re meri footi kismat… They asked her to tie a raakhi …which she happily did… :-(

Having tried all strategies in vain, I decided to go to a pub later that night…I thought those activists would come there to beat ‘pub-going, forward and loose women’ (that’s what their agenda says)…I had a plan to save one such girl from them (I still don’t know how was I going to do it, considering my size) and then propose to her…Once I entered there, I resisted myself from dancing ..I didn’t want my prey to run away before I could catch her…So I had no other option than to keep eating expensive food-items endlessly…waiting for those guys to attack the pub…Finally I gave up all the hopes of their arrival…and decided not to return to home - without proposing to any girl…I didn’t want to waste those V-day gifts (even though I had got them for free)…So I proposed to a drunken girl…Hoping that at least she would say yes to me in that state of drunkenness…But I didn’t know that she was still conscious…and I realized it when she threw her pair of sandals on me…Without bothering to return those sandals, I held that pair in my hand…Just like Aamir Khan held bundle of notes (given by Asin) close to his heart in the movie 'Ghajini'…Frustrated with my love-life, I wanted to spoil their night…Just to scare those people, I shouted anti-V-day slogans loudly…pretending to be a volunteer of Cultural Taalibaans…and all the girls present there - showered me with pink chaddis…(obviously they had brought these gifts separately)...

Next morning…When I got rid of V-day hangover and practical sense managed to prevail over my brain… I did following business activities:

1) I sold those sandals in chor-bazaar…

2) I sold those V-day cards and gifts to a gift-shop in the next lane...

3) I gave the entire collection of pink chaddis to those moral taalibaans...They gave me pink sarees in exchange…which in turn, got sold at higher realization…

Thus I made a decent profit…without investing any capital!!

After completing all these re-sale transactions, I checked photographs in the newspaper…One picture showed that a boy was forced by cultural activists to marry a donkey…Really…I was fortunate enough to have such a beautiful sister...!!

Oye Techie…Techie Oye…

This is the untold story of my friend Nikhil’s life…A computer engineer who completed his MBA in Systems and joined an IT firm as a project manager…

Let me describe his pre-marital life first...He was obsessed with computers since his college days...When youngsters of his age used to watch fashion models…He was busy in comparing models of laptop and mobile handsets...He still thinks in terms of Memory size/Storage capacity...His dream was (and still is) to have 2 computers with extra-large screen…which would be used only by him...and a big big server also...which will occupy his entire room and will have enormous storage capacity…Whenever he had to give a birthday gift to his friends…He always thought of pen-drive or DVD writer only as gifts…He loved writing Tech blog…He treated his laptop like his own child…

In short…His life was going smoothly on in terms of ‘processing speed’…until he married a girl who was not from IT background…And troubles clouded his wife’s life…

Being a wife of a computer nerd...she had to deal with peculiar problems which wives of other kind of professionals do not have to face...Now have a look at their married life...(I mean read what is written below...Don't get excited at the thought of peeping into their home)...

Whenever she wanted to talk to Nikhil…He used to ask her to come online on yahoo or gmail…

One day she wore a new dress and asked him “How do I look?”…and he switched on webcam on his laptop…so that he could observe his wife through webcam…

One day she questioned…”What do you feel about me?” …and he sent an Orkut testimonial to her…expressing his feelings towards her…

One day she wanted to go out for shopping…He pulled up one chair for her, made her sit and logged onto a shopping website…and specifically gadgets section…forgetting about basic human needs of his wife…

One day they had some arguments…and to continue with this fight…He used slapster on Orkut…and threw an egg on her facebook profile…to give way to his anger…

One day she asked him to buy a necklace for her…and He bought a 4 GB pen-drive with a string attached to it…Seeing strange reactions on her face…He promised her that next time, he would buy her an 8 GB pen-drive…

Strangely…The only time he 'forgot' to carry his laptop was…at the time of his honeymoon… (No prizes for guessing the reason behind it…)

These un'forgettable' moments brought a new small gadget to his home...One day she told him that she had 'good news'…and he logged in his net connection to surf news websites…Unable to find any ‘good’ news of his interest…He sent an offline message on messenger to his wife…She, in turn, sent a pdf file of her medical report…and he sent an e-card congratulating her…undermining his critical role in this news…

On the day of naming ceremony of his daughter, first thing he did was…He registered an email ID and domain name with his new-born daughter’s name…and brought an educational laptop for his baby…he wanted his daughter to be tech-savvy from the initial days only…

One night, Nikhil was alone at home…busy with his laptop…finding his whereabouts on Google Earth…Thieves entered his house and Nikhil didn’t notice them…They looted everything from his house…except Nikhil and his laptop…When his wife got this news, she came back to home and threw his laptop out of the window…hoping that Nikhil would now devote his time to his family and home…

But haay re biwi ki footi kismat…

Next day…he was found out on the footpath next to his building…updating his status on Tweeter and Orkut as “out-of-home”…and writing a post on his blog…about his experience of being on foot-path…

Papa Sehte Hai…

(Note: This post is a sequel to earlier post on my blog...)

It was 7 a.m. in the clock…I opened the door to get today’s newspaper…As usual, I checked my astrological prediction first…It said: You will get a surprise gift, which you can never forget in your life…I frowned with disbelief…As I was about to close the door, I found a basket lying at the door…I checked it and found that there was a baby inside…There was a note also attached to his nappy…

Note said: “Hi Belekar…Zaadu here…You managed to get rid of me…But you have to take up the responsibility of your child…And if you still doubt whether it is your child or not…Please check ugly looks of baby… One more thing…Don’t push this basket to next door…Your neighbour has already 4 kids…If they do the same with you; you would be in real trouble…Besides, a baby with your looks in neighbour’s house…You know what people would say about you…so bring up your own child…”

I looked at the baby’s face…Going by the ‘face value’, I had to believe that it was the maturity value of my instrument…(I mean Financial instrument here)…I still couldn’t figure out how did it happen.…But I had to act according to the script written by destiny…Suddenly I became concerned about one thing…On the pretext of changing wet nappy (obviously of baby!), I checked whether baby was an alien or a human being…Yes…It was a human being…in fact, a baby boy…I congratulated myself reluctantly and took him inside my house…Really..Some ‘mistakes’ do cost you your life…

I named him as ‘Laadu’…in the memory of my estranged wife…Bringing up a child is not a child’s play…I had enjoyed ‘Hey Baby’ movie…But never thought that it would be a reality in my life one day…I took a wise decision…I appointed a caretaker for my son…But knowing that I was unmarried and still had a son, she always was scared of me whenever I was in the house…I had no other option…Being a bollywood fan, I had always listened to dialogues like…” Beta, Muze darr tha ki kahi tuze dusri maa kaa pyaar naa mile…Es liye maine kabhi dusri shaadi nahi ki”…I found it as an excuse which could glorify the fact that no one was ready to marry me…So I decided to remain unmarried just for the sake of my son…(No further wild questions…Please!!)

Having an alien mother gave some peculiar characteristics to Laadu…He could float in air for a short time…which helped him to excel in sports…and he never got hurt when his school-bus raced off bouncy roads…(And he never had any trouble in learning the concept of ‘Floating’ Interest rates) …He had a different accent…different look…being a cross-breed of an alien and a human being…People used to tease him…laugh at him…So I gave him my photo to carry in his pocket…Whenever he felt bad about himself and his looks…He always looked at that photo to get rid of his frustration…and to experience superiority complex…

As Jr. Belekar grew up, I succeeded in imbibing my philosophy and financial sense in him…And I was happy that he had become an ultimate ‘chindhi and makkhi-choos’ boy…If I had the strong foundation, he had built extra floors on it…I was proud to be his father…

One day he came to me and asked:

Laadu: Dad, How was I born?

Me: I don’t know…I am still clueless how it happened…

Laadu: Can you tell me my mom’s name? Where is she now? Can I meet her?

Me: That’s not possible my son…

Laadu: Why did you remain unmarried?

Before I could answer his question with a bollywood dialogue mentioned above, he said:

Laadu: Dad, I hope you are not…

And he ran away…I was surprised with his question and extra knowledge he had gained recently…I came to know that he has grown up…With my 2 eyes and specs, I had 4-sight (literally) to sense what was going to happen next…

One day I caught him watching blue films in his room…Being a good father, I started shouting at him…

Me: What were you watching?

Laadu: You saw it and I am surprised that you still don’t know what it was…

Me: That’s not the issue…Who taught you such things? ...Your friends? ... Who gave you this obscene material?…I can tell you my son, you are in bad company…

Laadu: I got it from your wardrobe…Dad...You have nice collection of DVDs…!!

Next time onwards, I became co-spectator with him and his friends…Sometimes…You have to adjust a little bit with next generation…Truly…I was the best father in the world…

One night, I was having my drink quietly…My son sat next to me and said…

Laadu: Dad, why don’t you try whisky? For how many years, you would continue with this vodka…Don’t you get bored with the ‘same stuff’ every night…??

Me: Being unmarried, that’s the only thing I can have every night…

Before I could recover from his question and my answer…I could guess that he has started with drinking recently…But I didn’t dare shout at him as I knew that it would land me in a trouble…I immediately checked my cupboard and counted the bottles that I had kept there…I was relieved to know that they were in same numbers…But knowing his nature…I examined each bottle whether they were empty or not…

Laadu: Don’t worry Dad…I don’t drink from the bottles in your cupboard…I arrange for the parties at our second home…In turn, my friends pay for my drink…and next morning I sell those empty bottles lying in our house, to the local kabaadi-waala…and earn regular income…

When it came to chindhi-ness…He proved that ‘ baap ek numbari toh beta dus numbari’...But I was still his ‘baap’ and reduced the amount of pocket-money he used to receive from me…citing the reason of his extra-income using my 2^nd home…

Laadu had some kind of 6^th Sense...as he had in-built antenna (but not visible) like aliens do have…He could sense any extra-ordinary thing…That’s why he could become so successful in the stock market…Despite having this gifted ability, he could never understand any girl residing on the earth…And I came to know this....When I saw him very confused and upset…I decided to have a chat with him…I asked him the reason for his miserable state…

Laadu: Dad...How can I fit myself into a girl’s criteria?

I remained quiet…

Laadu: Dad…What women really want?

I looked out of window displeasure showing on my face…

Laadu: Why don’t girls admit that they think practically?

Now I had become confused and upset…

I gave him handful of money and ordered him to have bucketful of drink…I didn’t want Jr. Belekar to suffer from the same reason that haunted Sr. Belekar during his lifetime…

On one lazy Sunday…A lady called Laadu on landline…I picked up the phone…and gave it to him…I was so happy that my son finally had an affair..At the same time, I couldn’t resist myself from the temptation of eaves-dropping…I heard their conversation on parallel line…Here is the verbatim-transcript of the same:

Lady: Sir…I am a ‘broker’…Would you like to have something that I can arrange for?

Laadu: Yes…I have an ‘open’ interest for it…I would like to have ‘options’…

Lady: We have various options sir…I am sure those will satisfy your requirements…What do you want?

Laadu: I want 2 ‘put’…

Lady: Where sir? Any specific choice?

Laadu: Bharti…

Lady: Sir, Bharti will cost you Rs. 600…Why don’t you try Aarti? That will be cheaper for you…

Laadu: I don’t give importance to cost factor when ‘value’ matters…When it comes to picking a 'company'...I assign more price if I find ‘Top’-line and ‘Bottom’-line figures good…

Lady: Sir, what position you would like to have? ‘Naked’ or ‘covered’? Naked position will cost you more…

Laadu: Of course first one…

Lady: At what 'level' you would like to enter?

Laadu: I would enter at ‘bottom’ level…And I would exit at ‘peak’ level…

Lady: How would you like to settle the ‘deal’?

Laadu: From your end, get it ‘physically settled’…I would ensure that it gets ‘cash-settled’ from my end…

Lady: Sir, last question…I want to update your details in our system…You completed your ‘Inter-course’ in this year…right?

Laadu: Yes…

Lady: Thanks sir…Have a nice ‘time’!

I was going to faint almost…Ending this conversation, Laadu put down the receiver and yelled at me: “Dad...I know what you were doing there…and I can imagine what your dirty mind would have thought of us when you overheard our conversation…We were talking about options in Bharti Airtel & Aarti Drugs stocks and she was asking about details of my CA Inter course…!!”

From that day onwards, my son used to call me ‘Dada Kondke’ in Finance…the highest degree of honour…for a veteran expert at giving non-veg tadka to finance!!

Years passed…My son had great achievements to his credit…both educational and financial…But he never managed to find a girl who in turn can consider him suitable for her…And, then, the thing that i had feared the most happened…He married a girl without informing me…and brought her to home…And when she lifted her gunghat…I could realize in my conscious state that she was an alien…

You can just say….’His-story’ repeats itself…

(Note:

1. If you didn't like this sequel, blame the readers who asked for it...I never take the responsibility for any bad work done by me...

2. Terms used in the telephonic conversation are 'borrowed' from financial terminology...I haven't derived/coined these terms just to make conversation sound non-veg...)

Koi Hil Gaya…An Extra-Terrestrial Love Story...

(Warning: Someone would say that story of an alien is a fantasy of a 16-yr old boy…And Yes…I agree…But having an affair with an alien is an adult concept…Read this post only if you are above 18 years)

It was my 32^nd birthday…Instead of celebrating it with my friends…I went into hiding at home and mourning for my fate…Reason was…at this age, I was still unmarried...Everyone who I had met, used to ask about my marriage and pour acid on my wounds…Thank God! My mom had not watched the movie: Fashion and fortunately I was not into fashion industry…So my mom still had some hope… Thinking about this issue with a sour face, I planned to end my life with a knife, which had been used to cut my birthday cake over the years…And suddenly a miracle took place…A spacecraft landed in my balcony and an alien-like creature stepped out…Before I could believe my eyes (rather specs) and say something…that creature started talking…

It: Hi Belekar…I have come from Mars planet…My name is ‘Zaadu’! - sister of Jaadu…who was a supporting actor in Koi Mil Gaya…

As she was introducing herself, I was really confused whether she was really a female or not…even though she had called herself sister of Jaadu...Do aliens have males and females?...Or some extra types also?...I also knew that Men are from Mars..So how can it be a woman from Mars?...But as that creature was talking endlessly, I could guess it was a female and it was true that I didn’t know about anatomy of aliens…Hence I had no other option to cross-verify the fact…So..I had to believe that it was She…

Me: Why are you here?

Zaadu: I want to marry you…

Me: But why me?

Zaadu: Marriage has been a problem for me also…Actually I am so ugly (who says aliens look pretty?) that no male on Mars is interested in me…And I am a Maanglik also...(even though she was from Mars!) So people (aliens) are scared to marry me…as it would create lots of troubles in their life…As there was no possibility of marriage, I prayed to God and he answered…"There is one 32-yr old boy on earth…His name is Yogesh Belekar…He is the only one whom u can marry..(i.e cheat easily)…He matches your ugly look and your maanglik status would not affect his life…because it has already become a mess…and can’t be worse than this"…That’s why I came to propose you… By the way…Why didn’t you get married? Was there no girl in your life?

Me: Actually I have had many girls who are my friends…who consider me as their best friend…But no one was interested in me…and they kept saying…”Yogesh…you deserve someone better!”…But they refused to consider themselves ‘better’ girls and thought they deserved the ‘best’!...So I continued with my responsibility of being ‘best friend’ and suffered from not being adventurous, outgoing, CFO/CEO, inheritably rich or blessed with luxurious/comfortable lifestyle…In fact, one girl rejected me because I do less shopping than she does!

Zaadu: Anyways…these petty reasons don’t matter to me...I am ready to marry you!!

Ohhh God…Once I had jokingly said that no girl on ‘earth’ would ever understand me!!...I wasn’t fool to convert this last opportunity into lost opportunity…I immediately said Yes to her and planned for registered marriage…Because I knew that everyone from my friend-circle had got married..They would come along with their life-partners and children…And this would increase the cost of marriage!! But then I thought…Anyways this aliens don’t know about legalities of marriage…Why should I spend my money to complete the formalities?...I chucked this plan also…I settled for live-in-alliance with aliens!

I was really thrilled to experience married (?) life for the 1^st time…I had never imagined that my day would start with ET (Economic Times) and my night would start with ET (Extra-Terrestrial) wife…People do have extra-marital affairs and I was having extra-terrestrial affair…!! I was so happy with my marriage that I used to wander on the streets, waving my hands horizontally and singing ‘Koi Mil gaya’ song like Hrithik did…(Unfortunately I had to stop this dance one day, when I heard one kid saying “ Arey es paagal ko patthar maro!!”)

Problem with this ‘marriage’ was: I couldn’t take her out of home, worrying about peoples reactions…And I couldn’t pack her into a jute bag (as Jaadu was transported in the movie) as there was every possibility of police force checking my bag – thinking of me as a terrorist…I thought of buying a burkha for her…But I didn’t like imagining what people would say about me : “Was he so desperate for marriage?” (which was true)…So I converted this problem into cost-saving opportunity…Being confined to home, she couldn’t ask for shopping, outing, movies…I could save a lot on account of this..The only problem remaining was that she couldn’t cook food…But expenses on buying food from outside were compensated by her incompatibility with human food…She used to take some pills…

On one evening, I returned from office…She was smiling and blushing…I asked for the reason…She was feeling shy to tell me…When I persisted, she told me the Good news (I mean…Breaking news)

Here is the conversation:

Zaadu: I am pregnant!

Me: What? How can it be possible? I haven’t done anything to you…In fact, I couldn’t figure out how to do it!!

Zaadu: Still it happened!

Me: But you were on pills…right?

Zaadu: You idiot…those pills are vitamin pills…I survive by consuming them…

Me: I am still clueless how did it happen…

Zaadu: Sab ‘upar’waale ki meherbaani hai…

Me: Ohh..so it happened because of Mr. Sharma who stays on upper floor….

Zaadu: You are doubting on my character?? Shak shak Shak…What the ****!! (When did she watch Golmaal returns?)

And she started throwing various things at me…whatever she could grab by her hands…Obviously the first thing to hit my head was ‘belan’…she had become perfect Indian wife!!

(Now you would ask me how can she converse in Hindi and English??...Even though she was an alien..I would take creative liberty here…Remember…how foreign characters in bollywood movies speak Hindi…)

I escaped this dangerous situation and managed to stay alive luckily…But another problem emerged…Her relatives started visiting our home frequently – with their spacecrafts…My neighbours became suspicious about me…they thought I have got some magical powers and stopped talking to me…In addition to this, my saala Jaadu and my wife were pursuing me to come to their planet and stay there for lifetime…They were sure that I would enjoy it and insisted that Mars planet needed a finance professional like me..I told them…"I might be knowing about International finance…but I dont know anything about Inter-planetary finance"…But they refused to budge from their stand…My wife was threatening me of divorce…and constantly reminding me that no one else would marry me as she did…

Irritated with threats, I conceived a jabardast plan to get rid of them…I agreed to their demand, but with one condition…they had to match my dance steps…They said yes to it…considering it rubbish…When I started with my wild dance..and they tried to match those steps…They ended up having all of their limbs broken in pieces…Scared with my dance and caring for their lives…they fled from planet earth…I believe they would have reached their planet safely !!

Disclaimer:

1) This post doesn't say that I am desparate for marriage...It is just an imagination...

2) I don't have any 'such' intentions towards my best friends (who are girls)...So no need to panick..They are safe...

Ek Chhoti-si Crush Story...

(Warning: For a change, this post is not the result of my wacky imagination...It is based on true rumours and facts...)

Bahot saal pehle...When I was in 8th Standard, I joined one coaching class for the first time in my life… Being a student from Boys’ High-school, I was always deprived of opportunities to have a look at girls during the lecture…I utilized this chance to enjoy co-education so well, that I got spectacles during the same year…

Within a month, I found out that a girl was staring at me constantly…And I wasted no time in reciprocating her initiative…As my eyes refused to blink while looking at her, my heart used to beat at a faster rate…Yes…We were a perfect mismatch for each other…She was so beautiful and also pathetic at studies…(that’s why this is called ‘crush’…where you pledge your brain without any consideration…and you don’t give a damn about compatibility)…My friends had a firm opinion that…Either she might have had bad eyesight…or She was suffering from insanity…I didn’t care about this and continued to enjoy this game of staring without blinking…

That was the age to do some stupid things…On the dangerous day of Raksha-bandhan, I remained absent in class…as I wasn’t sure of Kidaas that her or my friends would resort to…During Navaratra days, my friend told me that she comes to play Daandiya - everyday in the next galli…To have just one zalak of her playing Daandiya…That night, I fought with my parents...later I literally begged…to allow me to go there…As Jamaana is always Jaalim since old bollywood days…my parents stood like a deewar between me and their would-be Bahu…

After the lecture, I used to stand outside the class…And she used to stand there with her friends…I never moved from there, until she left for her home…I gave such type of ‘standing’ ovation everyday, hoping to have good ‘standing’ in her mind…
Once my friend asked one of her friends…what was on her mind about me…And instead of helping me out, her friend advised me to ask her directly…Being a perennial-fattu, I never took the initiative…and these Aankhon ki gustakhiyaa never blossomed into a complete script…
Next year, she didn’t join the same class…And I was waiting for her…hoping for her late admission…She didn’t turn up…Either she must have got bored of staring at each other….or she might have got a new spectacle…'New-Clear vision'…

Kuchh Saal Baad…I saw her many times within a short period of time…on her scooty, each time with different guy…Initially I thought…She might have given just a ‘Lift’ to those guys...But this optimistic thought failed to 'lift' my morale up…And my search is still on...
Bhagwaan…Ab to muze ‘lift’ karaa de!!

Mythological IPL....Indra Prastha League…

(Warning: Read this post only if you are good at Indian Mythology...)

This time God was fed up with life in heaven…He wanted to bring some entertainment, but had no idea how to do it...He searched for a right person to come up with innovative ideas…As he referred to records of each citizen in heaven, he came across my profile…I had submitted a fake certificate…which showed that I had participated in college festivals as a volunteer…He thought that I had enough experience in Event Management and called me upon to discuss the matter…And impressed with my idea, he again committed a mistake of making me in-charge of the event…

I launched an event called IPL - Indra Prastha League…between 2 teams viz; Mytho-Heroes and Dare-Devils…I completed the formalities of auctions, contracts, broadcasting rights, etc etc…To make the environment in the stadium lively and cheerful…I employed a DJ there and asked him to belt-out peppy Hindi songs only…(Because I could never understand lyrics of English songs in my life…except one English song: Brazil)...I Deployed Menaka-Urvashi-Rambha-and-other-Apsaras as Cheer-leaders…(I am better at finding alternative uses of scarce resources)…Served Amrut in the pavilion (just like Vijay Kaallya served beer in the Banglore stadium)…

And history repeated itself through this IPL match...

Mytho-Heroes won the toss and elected to bat first…

Bheema used Gada for batting and hit sixes only… Some bowlers of Dare-devils used bows-n-arrows to send cricket-ball at higher speed towards the batsmen…Dushasan was asked to do fielding on boundary-line…but he was often seen to be busy in fiddling with clothes of cheer-leaders…He was repeating Vastraa-harana episode there…Unfortunately cheer-leaders didn’t have miles of saree material to cover them up…They just kicked him hard and he had to declare himself ‘retired hurt’…Abhimanyu again couldn’t clear the Chakrya-vyuha of close-in fielders and didn’t trouble scorers much...Laxman got injured and God Hanuman brought medicines for him from Neelgiri mountain...Raavan wanted to tease him and repeat the Monkey-gate scandal...But he still had not forgotten 'Lanka-on-fire' episode...

When Dare-devils turned up for batting…Bhima came to bowl; his beamer landed on Duryodhana’s thighs and drew blood out of it…(In the past, Bhima had vowed to do this act…to take revenge of Draupadi’s insult)...Raavan arrived on the crease with his 10 heads…Sponsor ran out of money after providing 10 helmets to him…And he could virtually monitor movements of a bowler and other 9 fielders (excluding wicket-keeper)…He remained not-out in the match… Jaydrath didn’t come out for batting…as he was scared of flood-lights…He thought Krishna would switch off the lights and would kill him… (In the past, Krishna had killed him by creating artificial darkness with his sudarshan-chakra)…Karna was taking his guard…Seeing him not ready for delivery, Arjun sent a Yorker knocking the stumps...(In the past, Arjun had killed him when he was trying to bring a wheel of chariot out of mud)… Laxman’s bouncer broke Shuparnakha’s nose…and she complained to Raavan again…He couldn’t do anything…as he didn’t want to lose out on the contract amount…remembering what happened with Bhajji in 'Slap-gate' scandal…Arjun, as a fielder, got credited with many run-outs as he could hit the stump with one eye closed…

And Mytho-Heroes predictably won the match…As Good always prevails over bad…

Other Details of the Match: Bhishma wanted to watch this IPL match…Being used to bed-of-arrows, he couldn’t sit on a chair…Later, a special bed-of-stumps was arranged for him… Kumbhakarna thought a day-n-night match would continue for a year…As his 1 day equaled 6 months and he slept for 6 months thereafter…Shakuni-mama operated as a punter, taking bets on matches…Dhrut-rashtra was appointed as an umpire…to help Dare-devils win…by turning a blind eye to all the appeals against them…But it didnt help them at all...As he wanted to go to rest-room...He frequently raised his finger during Dare-devil's inning...Sanjay played the role of commentator (In the past, he used to update Dhrut-rashtra about war happenings…He was the first LIVE news channel reporter in the world…)

And Pandavaas again lost a bet on match and were sent on earth for vanvaas…

God Tussi Great Ho...!!

Bang Bang Bang…Stock market crashed down like a pack of cards…and my heart-beats increased at double the rate of downfall…Market ended in circuit filter and it choked the blood-vessels in my heart…It stopped working and I headed straight to heaven…

At the entrance of heaven, I found a security guard checking my details…His ID card revealed his name as ‘Chitragupt’…Shocked about my sudden exit from earth, I started the conversation:

Me: What the hell am I doing here?

C.G: This is not the ‘hell’…You are in heaven…

Me: But why me only? Why not anyone else?

C.G: God wanted to reduce the no. of cynical and pessimistic minds on earth…that’s why…

Me: But I haven’t done anything good in my life…So why am I in heaven and not hell?

C.G: Let me check your details….Ummm…You did only one good thing in your life…One girl had proposed to you in your college life and you had said NO to her…Later she got married…She still remembers you everyday and thanks you for making her life beautiful by rejecting her proposal…

Me: Ohhh…But this is not fair…I am still unmarried…I never got a chance to be romantic with any girl…And you guys made me come here…Total waste of my life!!...By the way…Do you have any matrimonial sites here?...If not, at least tell me if there is any girl who will be ready to marry me…

C.G: Right now, we don’t have any girl here who wants to ruin her peaceful life in heaven…But if any girl wants to go to hell, we would advise her to marry you…

Finally I unwillingly entered heaven…and got bored on the first day only…It was such a quiet and dull environment there…Everybody were reading holy books…singing verses praising God… Life was not hectic …There was no work to do…No need to earn money…Everything came free of cost…Anyone could drink Amrut without paying for it…Gold coins were lying there without any use…Nobody bothered to pick/steal them…I wanted to read ET, but how could ET be there if there was no economy at all…I searched for like-minded people, but couldn’t find anyone…Hanging there like a bored soul…I decided to raise this issue with God…

I, being a MBA finance guy, gave a PowerPoint presentation and explained the benefits of LPG (Liberalization, Privatization and Globalization) to God…How badly heaven needed an economy and developed financial markets…How God was making people in heaven lazy bums…(I had Marketing subject in 1^st semester of MBA…Finally, I could it use somewhere)…Bored with my presentation, He surrendered to my idea…and gave me the permission to go ahead with my plans…

I declared myself as CFO of heaven (of course, God was CEO)…Appointed Kuber as Treasury Manager…I wanted some of my friends at MET college, to work with me…I planned to bring them to heaven, but scrapped the plan as Yamraj didn’t approve it…I started working to set up an economy in heaven…I did put up a price tag on everything available there…and declared Gold coins as official currency of heaven..Thus forced people to work to earn their bread n butter…To provide them Jobs, I floated various companies…To generate some business for these companies, I undertook infrastructure and construction projects…To raise funds for these activities, I came up with IPOs…To get them listed, I created a stock exchange named as BSE…i.e. Bhagwaan’s Stock Exchange (as I did everything in the name of God…) I linked its trading to NSE…i.e. Narak Stock Exchange which was headed by Harshad Mehta…I did put Amrut in the bottles…Sold it through a chain of Bar n Restaurants ‘The-Wine (Di-Vine) Intervention’…Recruited Menaka-Urvashi-Rambha-and-other-Apsaras to dance there…Thank god, Heaven didn’t have any Home Minister like Maharashtra State has…I did set up banks to lend money to people…distributed credit cards and made them habituated to spend on credit…Disbursed housing loans without worrying about their repayment ability…I allowed FDI from Narak…All I wanted to do was…to have a booming economy there…

And my efforts began to offer fruits immediately…Peaceful minds turned into workaholic minds….Everybody started chasing money to survive there…Bribes, frauds, corruption, robberies started with introduction of money…Traders and Harshad Mehta from Narak manipulated stock market operations…Scams became routine affairs…People got used to throw gold coins in the bar (that’s why Apsaras had helmets on their heads)…Overspending became the lifestyle…Realty prices in the heaven got over-heated…Things became expensive day-by-day…Interest rates started going north-wards…People started defaulting on their repayments…and this heavenly Sub-Prime crisis swallowed every part of the economy that I had set up…

God asked me what could be done to bail-out the economy…I said, “My surname is Belekar…not ‘Bail’ekar…I am ready to accept my defeat”…Owning the responsibility, I resigned from my Job…And admitted that money doesn’t always keep you going in your life…We need to ensure that we have ‘Peace of mind guaranteed’…I realized why God kept the things simple in heaven…"God…Tussi great ho!!..."

P.S: ‘mAd’venture in the heaven continues…

Post-Subprime Career Options In My Life...

After reading so much on the financial turmoil going on, its effects on job market and placements at B-schools, it was easier for me to get frustrated…I tried my best to remain positive, but finally the cynical and pessimistic brain overpowered an eternal optimist soul within me…I searched out for career options that I can have in the present (and worst) scenario…Here is the List:

1) It is highly likely that I would take lot of time to get placed somewhere (because of market conditions)…Till that time; I can study each n every aspect of Finance and be a Finance Guru…Then I can deliver lectures at some new chintoo-mintoo management college as a Professor, to earn my bread n butter…

2) I can open a new Management Institute…(But I don’t have a pony-tail like Ravindram Choudhary!)…where receiving donations would be core-business instead of management education…

3) The only way to get placed is to start a new business…Now you will ask me, from where I am going to raise funds…I will take a loan from major Indian bank which is about to bust…Who cares for repayment, as it is going to bite the dust…(ohhh…this is turning out to be Sab-Rhyme Crisis)...

4) Just like M&A specialists or turnaround specialists, I can become a Bankruptcy Specialist. There is enough scope to advise banks/firms how to go bankrupt, avoid your liabilities, complete the formalities and fetch maximum price by selling your assets…

5) I can start a placement agency or launch a job website for the people who became jobless in this financial crisis…I can register a domain name like subprimejobs.com (just like BPOshaadi.com)…and will be the 1^st one to register my name there as a job seeker…

6) I can be an astrologer instead of Equity Research Analyst…When stock market moves on the basis of sentiments and news, people can be easily fooled to believe in movements of stars and planets, when it comes to investing in stock markets…

7) I can work as a News reporter for ET…covering news of current fiasco…how markets are going from worst to badly worst or worse than worst…

8) I can hire psychologists to open a chain named as ‘Subprime Consultants’…I can earn loads of money when people frustrated by ongoing crisis will come to us for counselling…But right now, I need a psychologist…Again, I will be the first client there…

(P.S: If you can come up with more ideas/options, please let me know…I need HELP!!…)

When Layman and Oldman move closer to the ‘Peril Inch' by inch….

Big banks in the world are tumbling like a pack of cards…making Wall Street as ‘Fall Street’…This is having repercussions on Dalaal Street…Painting it by red colour and making it look like ‘Halaal Street’…ET is giving detailed news about the whole saga…But not the prediction about what will happen in future…I wrote an article detailing after-effects of this Great Fall and presented it to ET editor…He threw it in the dustbin…So here is an article…straight from the dustbin…

What will happen if big banks continue to become bankrupt or getting sold:

1) Co-operative banks in Mumbai like Taaraswat Co-op bank and Raamrao Vithal Co-op Bank will be among largest Top 10 banks in the world…

2) These co-op banks will become hotcake at IIM placements…replacing lucrative offers from foreign banks…(you can guess who will come to smaller B-schools for placements)…

3) Dalal Street will become world’s new Financial Centre…dethroning Wall Street…

4) Tall buildings situated at Wall Street will be used for residential purposes…helping people who became home-less in subprime crisis…

5) US will blame any Islamic country for this financial crisis…will attack that country citing hidden financial weapons of mass destruction…(Read: Derivatives…)

6) Left parties in India will blame Capitalist US for downturn in Indian Stock markets…and will seek resignation of UPA government for its cordial relations with US…

7) Lehman CEO Richard Fuld will work as a Junior Analyst of Banking Sector at some small broking firm in Mumbai…

8) Bank robberies will become a thing of past…More no. of jobless people!!

9) MBA students will get more case studies…to add more no. of slides to their presentation on Subprime Crisis...